Mind Your Manners
by distraught.hallelujah
Summary: Jun's back, and more impish than ever! Jun decides everyone needs a vacation, so they all head to the beach for a day of fun. But when a Hollow shows up and abducts Matsumoto, will Jun and the others be able to save her? Sequel to 'Mind Your Head.'
1. The Crazies Convention

A special thanks to my Beta Reader, Symphony17 and to my loyal readers. Sequel to "Mind Your Head." Enjoy. ;)

* * *

"Everyone take your seat, the Meeting of the Freaks with Big Swords will now commence," I called, banging my stick on the table.

"You really need to change the name," Renji grumbled.

"This is the Stick of Talking," I said, raising the stick in my hands. "The concept is simple – when someone speaks out of turn, I get to hit him or her on the head with my Stick of Talking."

"No way!" Ichigo exclaimed. "That's-"

I brought the stick down on Ichigo's head firmly.

"Unfair?" I continued. "I say what's fair and what's unfair."

"But this stick thing is-" Renji began reluctantly, but I silenced him with a sharp rap on the head. I turned to the other members seated around the table in turn, tapping the stick nonchalantly in the palm of my other hand.

"But that means Ishida's safe," Ichigo complained. "You wouldn't hit your boyfriend."

"I suppose that is true," Ishida said almost smugly, chuckling as he raised a hand to push his glasses farther up his nose. I took a step towards the pair and bonked Ichigo on the head, but as Ishida opened his mouth to laugh, he was most surprised when I gave him the same treatment.

"Don't underestimate me," I said reproachfully. "I don't practice favoritism. Ishida-kun will get the stick too, same as all of you."

"I assume I fall under the 'Diplomatic Immunity' category?" Captain Hitsugaya asked menacingly slowly from across the table. I raised the stick thoughtfully, as though debating what chance I had of getting out alive if I did, in fact, deny the child prodigy's request.

"I plead diplomatic immunity as well," his lieutenant piped up, raising her hand in the air. I bopped her on the head without a second thought.

"Toshiro is granted diplomatic immunity," I said smoothly. "And Urahara-san is granted home base immunity, because he provided the meeting room for today. However, the rest of you had better shut up before I shove this stick somewhere worse."

"I keep telling you, it's Captain Hitsugaya," Captain Hitsugaya said, a vein throbbing in his forehead.

"If you don't get the stick, you don't get the title either," I warned, waving the stick threateningly at him. I turned to Ichigo. "What's the first order of business?"

"Well," Ichigo said, scratching his head thoughtfully. "I'd say we'd better elaborate on the mission involved, and make sure everyone understands the risks."

"Well said," I said loftily, thumping him with the stick. Ichigo snapped.

"You asked me a question and I answered it, so please explain how that is speaking out of turn?" He demanded.

"It isn't," I said. "I just enjoy hitting people with a stick."

"You're sadistic," Ichigo muttered, his head bowed in submission.

"No, just bored," I said shortly, sitting back at the head of the table. "Now then, to the first order of business." I paused, and then began giggling.

"What is it?" Ichigo demanded.

"I was just thinking that we hadn't even begun the first order of business, and I've already hit each of you on the head. That's a good start to the meeting, I'd say," I chuckled.

"I haven't been hit yet," Orihime said cheerfully from the table, waving her hand in the air. "And Sado-kun and Kuchiki-san haven't been, either."

"Leave me out of this," Sado murmured from his seat. Rukia began whistling nonchalantly and trying to look as small as possible (which wasn't difficult, the shrimp that she was).

"Okay, so some of you haven't. Lucky buggers," I grumbled. "Now listen, this is only a practice mission, but it is imperative that you learn the lesson. Okay?"

There were a few murmured agreements.

"I said, 'okay?'" I called, jumping up and down with mock enthusiasm.

"Right!" The group agreed half-heartedly.

"Right," I said firmly. "This is the mission – we're going to have a World of the Living scavenger hunt!"

"That gives us an unfair advantage," Orihime began worriedly, but Ichigo shut her up by clapping a hand over her mouth.

"You're going down," Ichigo growled to Renji, who raised an eyebrow.

"I don't think so," Renji hissed.

"Here're copies of the list. You go when I say 'go.'" I said, lifting a stack of papers. I glanced nervously at Lieutenant Matsumoto, who had ducked under the table as soon as the paper appeared.

"What's with her?" I asked, jerking a thumb towards her now-empty seat.

"She's allergic to paperwork," Captain Hitsugaya explained with a sigh, taking a piece of paper from the top of the pile. His eyes scanned the list.

"Easy enough," Ichigo said. "I'll win, of course." He leaped up from the table. "Let's go!" He exclaimed, racing towards the door, followed closely by Renji.

"Hey!" I roared, turning on the pair. They stopped sheepishly. "Wait until I say go, all right?"

Ishida immediately snatched his list, stood up, and raced towards the door. I began chuckling.

"Hey! He's making a break for it!" Ichigo exclaimed, turning to me imploringly.

"Well, he does know me better than anyone," I said. "I just said 'go,' obviously."

"That's cheating!" Ichigo roared as he and Renji fought to get out of the doorway at the same time, finally bursting through and disappearing down the street.

Captain Hitsugaya got up wordlessly, and Orihime and Sado got their lists and headed after the others. Finally, Urahara, Lieutenant Matsumoto, and I were left. I began giggling.

"What is it this time?" Urahara asked with a sigh.

"The thing about people who don't originally come from here is that they don't know what the human world has and, in particular, what it doesn't," I explained. "Of course, Ichigo knows, but with the possibility of defeating his rival, he didn't even glance at the list."

"What was on the list?" Matsumoto asked, appearing from under the table.

"Oh, a bunch of things," I said dismissively. "Including, but most definitely not limited to, rainbow-colored paint, elbow grease, a bottle or can of Tender Loving Care, and tampons. Now, to the next order of business," I added in a business-like fashion. "What's for lunch?"

* * *

Captain Hitsugaya paused in the Women's Sanitary Products section of this human supermarket, his eyes having caught the word 'tampon.'

He headed down the aisle, wishing he had discarded his gigai before beginning this scavenger hunt. As he stopped in front of a large array of different brands, he was quite lost.

He reached up and grabbed a random box, turning it over to examine the back. The box was damaged, apparently, because there wasn't much of the back left, revealing the product inside. On the product there were detailed instructions for the use of the product.

As his eyes scanned the back of the box, his face became more and more drained of all emotion. As he reached the bottom, he very carefully replaced the box on the shelf as though it were highly dangerous explosives.

His right eyebrow twitched almost imperceptibly, and he turned and began slowly walking back down the aisle, his innocent young mind permanently sullied by mere instructions for proper use of a human product.

Maybe he wasn't as strong as he thought he was.

* * *

Renji and Ichigo both stood in front of the interior decorating store, their noses pressed against the glass. Renji was looking furiously from one side of the store to the other.

"It says 'paint,' so they must have it," he exclaimed.

"Of course," Ichigo replied. "What color did it say again?"

"Rainbow," Renji said, glancing down at the list. Ichigo turned back to him very slowly.

"I see," he said laboriously, pulling out his own list. He read carefully down the numbered items, feeling more and more stupid each second. He crumpled the list very deliberately and tossed it over his shoulder.

"What are you doing?" Renji exclaimed.

"Jun was just having fun," Ichigo growled. "More than half these things aren't real, and the other half are dead embarrassing."

"Oh?" Renji asked, looking down at his own list. "So, tampons?"

"Dead embarrassing," Ichigo replied. "Like I'd go into a store and buy tampons. That damn Jun! When I get my hands on her, she'll regret sending us on this wild goose chase."

"And risk the Stick of Talking?" Renji asked, eyebrow raised. Ichigo was silent.

"Well, we'll come up with a way to get her back," he grumbled, heading down the street. Renji followed at a leisurely pace.

* * *

Orihime looked curiously up at the variety of nails and screws. She and Sado had gone on to the hardware store in search of elbow grease, which Orihime was certain she had seen before. Though Sado disagreed, she looked so cheerful that he went along anyway.

"There it is!" Orihime exclaimed eagerly, pointing up at the cans of different brands of grease and oil near the end of the aisle. Sado followed her gaze.

Sure enough, on a tall shelf head-height for him, there sat a brand of axle grease called 'Elbow' Grease, with a picture of an elbow.

So a grease-making company had, in fact, taken advantage of that metaphor. Perfect. Sado reached up and took down two bottles, one for him and one for Orihime, and they both headed towards the cash register.

* * *

"Sister," Kon said excitedly from the ground. Rukia looked down at him.

"What?" She asked.

"I don't think there's any such thing as Tender Loving Care. Or, at least, not prepackaged," Kon said. Rukia sighed.

"Kon, I know that. The list is obviously a test to see how we'd react to an impossible mission," she said wryly. "I imagine Ichigo and the others are having a hard time."

"Oh!" Kon exclaimed. "You're so smart, sister!"

"I know," Rukia said, grinning. Kon tried to take advantage of this situation by leaping into her arms, but he was stopped mid-flight by Rukia's foot.

"Don't even think about it," she said matter-of-factly, giving him a good stomp before continuing down the street.

* * *

"Back already, are you?" I asked, looking up from my cellphone as Ishida entered Urahara's Shop. He was the first to arrive back.

"I must say, Jun-chan, you have a twisted mind," Ishida said slowly, sitting beside me and dropping the list onto the table.

"Would a gorgeous girl with a great sense of humor and a twisted mind be playing Angry Birds on her new iPhone?" I asked, raising my cellphone and waving it in his face. Ishida glanced at the phone in my hands.

"Oh?" He asked. "How are you doing?"

"I've breached level two and am attempting to infiltrate level three. If I'm not back in ten minutes, call my cell-phone provider," I said seriously. Ishida nodded.

"Will do," he said, sighing and leaning back against me. I shrugged him off.

"You made me split the blue bird too soon," I complained, glaring at him accusingly. "Now I have to restart the level."

"Sorry," Ishida said apologetically.

"Oh, whatever. I'll just play something else," I grumbled, tapping the screen. Ishida watched the door of the shop.

"I wonder how long it will take until the rest of them realize what the test was all about." Ishida wondered aloud. He was interrupted by a stomach-churning squishing sound. He whipped around.

"Geez, it's just Fruit Ninja," I said, chortling. "You should've seen your face, though. Man, at full volume, this sound would be a perfect horror movie soundtrack."

"Thank you for that pleasant image," Ishida said painfully, his eye twitching as he raised a hand to straighten his glasses.

"Captain!" Matsumoto exclaimed, standing to attention as the short figure appeared in the doorway, swaying slightly.

"I lost five years of my life out there," he said distantly, staring into space. "I… will never be the same again."

"Well, that's only if you didn't have five years to spare anyway," Matsumoto said dismissively. "What was it? What happened?"

"His face looks like one of a young person who thought it'd be a good idea to read the instructions on a certain product before purchasing it for the hunt," I said thoughtfully, without looking up from my phone. I chuckled. Captain Hitsugaya very slowly turned to me.

"I will have nightmares for months," he said in a level tone. "Pray tell, how is that funny?"

"Did I say it was?" I asked innocently as Orihime and Sado appeared.

"We got elbow grease!" Orihime exclaimed triumphantly, slamming the can down on the table. I looked at the can, totally shocked.

"You did?" I exclaimed. I quickly put on a serious face. "I mean, of course you did. Good for you."

"Rainbow paint, huh?" said a voice from above my shoulder. I looked up.

The atmosphere in the room changed from normal to negative instantly and, as I looked up at the expression on Ichigo's face, I was almost frightened (note my use of the word 'almost;' I'm not that easily dissuaded).

"Had fun with this little 'scavenger hunt' now, did you?" Ichigo sneered.

"Yes, I rather did," I admitted. "You have fun, too? Good."

"No, I can't say I did," Ichigo said, sitting down firmly and staring me down.

As he sat down, there was a loud squishing sound. Ichigo immediately got up, blushing pomegranate. I burst out laughing, dropping my iPhone, still playing Fruit Ninja, back onto the table.

"The watermelons make the best sounds, don't they?" I asked between fits of laughter.

"Personally, I like the pears," Ishida said thoughtfully from behind her.

"You bastard," Ichigo began, leaning over her.

"Kurosaki-san," Urahara said distastefully from across the table. "Though she was, of course, the main orchestrator, this hunt was originally my idea. She merely came up with the list. I wanted to test your abilities to respond to an impossible mission."

"I knew it," Ichigo growled. "So it was you, old man."

"You wound me," Urahara said piteously, hiding behind his little fan as he fluttered it in front of his face.

"—try that again, Kon!"

Angry voices could be heard at the door.

"Sister! One embrace is all I ask! Bring me to your negligible bosom!"

There was a crashing sound.

"Don't make me repeat myself for the tenth time," Rukia said, as it was indeed she, appearing at the door. Kon's shape was still somehow recognizable as he crawled into the shop, his stuffing spilling onto the floor.

"Rukia!" Ichigo exclaimed from his seat.

"Have fun?" She asked, settling down. Ichigo waggled a finger at her accusingly.

"You knew, didn't you?" He demanded.

"As soon as I read the list," Rukia said smugly. "But, of course, you probably got it right after reading the list yourself, so I'm not saying I told you so or anything."

"He read it, of course, but someone should've put a tag on him. Something along the lines of 'Warning; delayed reaction,'" I piped up from my seat. Ichigo's eyes narrowed in my direction, and I shrugged.

"That was… interesting," Renji admitted from his own seat, folding his arms. "Next time, perhaps explain what some of the items are before sending us off to look for them, though."

"You don't want to know," Captain Hitsugaya said firmly, shaking his head deliberately. "Believe me – you don't… want… to know."

"Okay, I admit, I may have gone a little too far," I said, putting my hands up. "You guys are way too uptight, though. I mean, you're all kids, right? Sit back and enjoy life!"

I suddenly sat up, an idea coming to mind. Everyone cringed back because, knowing me, when I had that look on my face there was no stopping me.

"I know!" I exclaimed. "We'll all go to the beach! It's the perfect time of year, and besides, I've always wanted to see Ishida in a swimsuit."

Ishida seemed to be shocked into silence, along with everyone else in the room.

"What?" I said belligerently.

"That's an interesting idea," Matsumoto said thoughtfully. She nodded, a smile spreading across her face. "That would be so fun!"

"Matsumoto," her captain sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. Matsumoto immediately turned the full force of her big, blue, puppy-dog eyes towards him, simpering most attractively.

"Please, captain? For me?" She begged.

"On one condition," Captain Hitsugaya replied. "When we get back, you do the paperwork like I told you to."

Matsumoto sagged.

"But captain," she tried. Hitsugaya shook his head.

"That's final," he said firmly. Matsumoto hung her head.

"Fine," she grumbled.

"And not while drunk," Captain Hitsugaya added. Matsumoto sagged even lower and grumbled a barely coherent response.

"Perfect!" I said, standing up. "We can all go tomorrow. Oh, this is going to be my best idea yet!"

"It had better be better than your idea to get a cat out of a tree by sending a dog up after it," Ishida said, raising a hand to push his glasses farther up his nose.

"Well, I didn't have the right kind of dog," I said indignantly. "Or the right kind of tree. Actually, I have to go buy a swimsuit. You want to come with?" I asked excitedly, leaning towards my boyfriend.

"I have some things to attend to myself," Ishida said woefully. "You'll have to go without me."

"I need a swimsuit!" Matsumoto exclaimed excitedly. "We can go together and help each other pick one out."

"Perfect!" I said, excitement boiling up inside me.

This was going to be the best shopping trip ever.


	2. The ItsyBitsy Bikini

"I'd say yellow or blue," I said thoughtfully, looking Matsumoto up and down. "Although, with your hair color, I'd say any cool color would look lovely. Maybe purple? My goodness, you're so lucky. Anything would look good on you!"

"You'd look great in blue," Matsumoto said gallantly. I shook my head.

"Nah, I was hoping to find something in white. Ishida really likes white," I said thoughtfully. "Besides, if I know him – and I do – he'll be wearing white as well, so we'll match."

"How about a blue swimsuit and a white sundress over it?" Matsumoto suggested. I grinned.

"That would look really good. Although, if not white, I was thinking maybe red."

"Oh, a nice deep burgundy would look lovely, especially with the same white cover-up idea," Matsumoto said enthusiastically, nodding her head.

"Or maybe something with a nice pattern? I could go zebra stripes!"

"That could actually be quite slimming."

"I know, right?"

I fingered the rack of swimsuits. I had no idea what style I wanted, so basically whatever looked good I'd try on and we'd see. If I found a good bikini, I might even be willing to squeeze into something like that. I heard Matsumoto suddenly let out an exclamation of surprise.

I looked over at her.

"What is it?" I asked. She held something up. I winced.

If any piece of clothing could possibly be made with less than a half-foot of fabric, this was it. Matsumoto was… shall we say, 'well-endowed,' which would be obviously shown-off in a bikini like this. It was a light blue that nearly matched her eyes.

"That is gorgeous," I admitted, "but aren't you afraid you might… you know, spill? Or worse, lose the top in the ocean?"

"Oh, please," Matsumoto said dismissively. If there was one thing she wasn't afraid of, it was drowning in man drool.

"Well, try it on and see," I suggested. Matsumoto grinned and raced off towards the changing rooms. While she was gone, I found a nice white halter-top bikini. It covered less than a one-piece, but significantly more than Lieutenant Matsumoto's find.

I held it up to myself curiously, staring into the mirror.

"Very nice," I heard someone say appreciatively behind me. I whipped around.

"Ishida-kun!" I exclaimed. My boyfriend grinned.

"White, huh?" He asked, straightening his glasses.

"Well, I was leaning towards white, but really whatever I could find," I said sheepishly.

"That would look excellent on you," Ishida commented. I blushed.

"Jun!" Matsumoto called, appearing at the entrance of the changing rooms. How in hell could she change so fast?

I turned towards her at the same time as Ishida did, but the results were quite different.

A slow, bright red blush began creeping across Ishida's cheeks, and he immediately looked away and fiddled with his glasses in an embarrassed fashion.

"Oh, Ishida," Matsumoto said, walking over. Sure enough, that bikini was as horrendous as it looked on the hangar, if not worse because of the person who happened to be wearing it.

"I thought you said you were busy and couldn't come?" Matsumoto asked, crossing her arms.

"I found some free time," Ishida said, still not looking at her. I choked back laughter.

"Looks good, Rangiku," I said, nodding. "Are you going to get it?"

"I think so," Matsumoto said thoughtfully, looking down at herself. "I quite like this one."

"Shouldn't you try on some others before you buy the first one you try on?" I asked. "I mean, look at all the other pretty ones."

"True," Matsumoto said with a sigh. "I'll try on a couple more."

As she headed back towards the changing room, I could've sworn one of the employees, who was straightening and refolding various shirts and things in a different section, actually dropped the shirt and possibly his eyes as well.

His jaw may or may not have hit the ground moments later.

"You can look now, she's gone," I said, tapping Ishida on the shoulder. He turned slowly.

"You'll encourage her?" He asked painfully. I nodded.

"Sure, she's a friend. And she's an adult, so she can do whatever she'd like," I said matter-of-factly. "Though, to be honest, I would _love_ to see ol' Toshiro's face when he sees _that_."

"That might actually be a sight worth seeing," Ishida said thoughtfully. "If I wasn't happily taken…"

"I don't think you should finish that sentence."

"You're probably right."

* * *

The busty lieutenant did, in fact, buy the very little bikini. She tried on others, but she said she felt most comfortable wearing as little as was lawfully allowed. I mean, not in her exact words, but you get my drift.

I couldn't wait to see Captain Hitsugaya's face.

"All in all, quite a successful shopping trip, I'd say," I said cheerfully as we left the store, our new purchases in hand. I couldn't resist – I had also bought a candy bar.

"Yes," Matsumoto agreed, looking down at the bag in her hand with an eager expression. "I can't wait for tomorrow."

"You can stay at my house until then, if you don't have a place to stay," I offered.

"Oh, that's all right. I'm staying with Orihime. She's so sweet," Matsumoto said, grinning. "And such a good cook, too."

Ishida and I exchanged glances, and I could tell that he, too, was remembering our second-ever date.

"We should get ice cream on the way home," I said. "And I'll buy Ishida one separately, because I don't want him mooching off mine. It's disgusting."

"I don't need one, thank you," Ishida said. I shook my head.

"If I don't help get you nicely fattened up, what kind of girlfriend would I be?" I said.

"A considerate one?" Ishida suggested. I raised an eyebrow.

"Fine, if you don't want ice cream, more for me."

"And a candy bar besides?"

"You can have the candy bar," I offered.

"No, thank you."

"At least a bite."

"It's okay, really."

"You'll take a bite or I'm going to tie you down and shove it down your throat."

"…you would, too."

"Did you think I was joking?"

"I had perhaps hoped it, but that glimmer of hope is long gone."

"Oh!" Matsumoto exclaimed suddenly.

"What?" Ishida and I asked together, both turning to her. She held her cell phone – excuse me, 'Soul Pager' – in one hand.

"A Hollow," she said.

"Awesome. Hold this," I said, pushing my bag into Ishida's hands as Matsumoto popped a Soul Candy into her mouth. Matsumoto's gigai fell back, the Mod Soul taking control, and Matsumoto and I raced down the street.

"Where is it?" I asked, panting.

"The park," Matsumoto replied. We turned the corner. "We're closest."

"Awesome. Let's kick some ghost butt," I said excitedly, focusing my Spiritual Pressure. I felt the transparent clone appear beside me, and she immediately stepped into me, melding to my shape.

I had perfected this technique only recently. It created an indestructible shell around me for ultimate protection. The only downside was that I couldn't make many extra clones while I wore the cover, because it used too much Spiritual Energy.

"Right ahead," Matsumoto said, nodding at the green in front of us, putting a hand to her sword. I followed her into battle, however short it was.

"Hey!" I exclaimed as she brought her sword down on the Hollow's head, slicing its mask in two. The Hollow screeched in pain as it slowly disintegrated.

"Too many Soul Reapers spoil the city," Matsumoto said, sheathing her zanpakuto.

"Yeah, but I'm a human," I said indignantly. "I wanted to help too."

"What would you have done?"

"I don't know, something!"

"Well, for now, you'd better get back to your boyfriend."

"Why?"

"Because Chappy's probably all over him by now."

~ Die, Chappy Fiend! ~

I couldn't get back to Ishida fast enough, which might have made him smile if he was not currently occupied. As I turned the corner, I could make out Ishida and the Mod Soul inhabiting Matsumoto's body – the Mod Soul was hugging him.

"Just one kiss, beshi," the Mod Soul crooned. Ishida tried to push her away, but she wouldn't hear of it.

"Oy!" I called. The Mod Soul turned around. "Hands off my boyfriend," I said, pulling back my arm and letting fly a right hook.

The Mod Soul let go of him and crashed to the ground.

"Jun-chan," Ishida said in surprise. "I swear, I wasn't-"

"I know. Rangiku told me all about it," I said, panting for breath as Matsumoto stepped back into her body. She winced, rubbing her jaw.

"That hurt," she complained. "It is my body, you know."

"Well, your body was schmoozing my boyfriend," I said indignantly, brushing Ishida off. He looked embarrassed – gee, I wonder why?

"Rangiku-san, what was that?" Ishida asked.

"My Chappy," Matsumoto said, getting to her feet. "She can get a little over-enthusiastic sometimes."

"I should say so," I commented. "Give me that."

I snatched my bag away from Ishida.

"Let's go. I don't want to be late for dinner in case we miss it and Orihime offers to cook me something. I don't want to wake up tomorrow with food poisoning."

* * *

"Rangiku!" I exclaimed, waving across the parking lot as the ginger-haired Soul Reaper raced towards me and Ishida.

"Are we the only ones here?" Matsumoto asked, panting. She had the decency to wear a cover-up, albeit a short, thin one with little more coverage than her new bikini.

"So far, yeah," I said, glancing down the road. "Although Rukia and Ichigo should be here soon, followed shortly by Renji and Toshiro. Actually, Renji might not be coming."

_I still can't wait to see Toshiro's face_, I thought, nearly bouncing up and down with excitement.

"Good. Should we go set up on the beach, then?" Matsumoto asked cheerfully. I nodded and the three of us began loading stuff out of the car.

"Lieutenant Matsumoto, Jun, Ishida," Ichigo greeted, appearing from around the car. Rukia was right behind him. Matsumoto turned around.

"You made it!" she exclaimed. Ichigo turned bright pink and made a face.

"What are you wearing?" He demanded.

"My new swimsuit," Matsumoto said, twirling slowly. "Do you like it?"

"Like it?" Ichigo choked. Rukia patted him on the back.

"He has a way with words," she explained. "Basically, the idiot doesn't have them."

"Well, perfect. That's everyone except Renji and the captain," I said cheerfully as I pulled out an especially large beach chair. Ishida immediately reached out to take it from me.

"Don't bother," I said, yanking it out of his reach. "You'd drop it on your foot like this was a TV show or book or something meant for humor. Everyone knows the girlfriend has amazing lifting power, but when the boyfriend takes it, that happens."

"That only happens in movies," Ishida said. "Don't worry, I can carry it."

"Okay, but I'm not going to kiss your boo-boo," I said, lifting the chair and hefting it into his hands. As soon as I let go, guess what happened?

"Ah!" Ishida exclaimed sharply as the chair slammed down onto his foot. He let go of the chair and bounced up and down on one foot, wincing.

"I won't say I told you so, but for the record… I told you so," I said, chortling.

"Good morning, sick twisted humans. That means you, Jun." said a steady voice that I recognized immediately. I whipped around.

"Shiro-chan!" I exclaimed.

"Please don't," Captain Hitsugaya said. "I'm in enough pain already."

"You didn't just drop a beach chair on your foot. However, you really shouldn't look at Matsumoto if you're still wounded from yesterday's ordeal," I said, jerking a finger towards the rest of the group. Captain Hitsugaya, of course, immediately singled out Matsumoto.

"Matsumoto," he asked slowly.

"Captain!" Matsumoto exclaimed, leaping up. Part of her took a little longer to stop moving.

"What is that?" Captain Hitsugaya demanded, gesturing to all of her.

"Er… me?" She said questioningly, looking down at herself. "Oh, you mean my new bathing suit? Isn't it just fabulous? I do love the World of the Living!"

"Define 'fabulous,'" the little captain began, but I reached into the car and pulled out a random bag, which I shoved into his hands.

"Be wary of the sunblock," I said seriously. "And if Matsumoto asks you to help her with something, anything at all, say no."

Though confused, the captain followed the rest of us as we headed down the steps and onto the endless golden sand. The ocean crashed just nearby, and the air smelled lovely.

"Captain," Matsumoto said cheerfully, holding up a tube of sun lotion. "Would you-?"

"No," Captain Hitsugaya said immediately. Matsumoto frowned.

"But captain…"

"I said no."

"Ichigo?" Matsumoto asked, turning to the orange-haired Substitute Soul Reaper. He looked frantically around for a way out.

"There is none, bub," I said, shaking my head. "Better get it over with."

As I spoke, I took out the second bottle of lotion and handed it to Ishida, then spread out my towel on the sand and lay on my belly.

"Make sure you get the shoulders," I called, as much for Ichigo as for Ishida. Ichigo scowled but Ishida opened the bottle and began slathering my back.

"Ah, that's heaven," Matsumoto sighed as Ichigo hesitantly dumped a handful of sunblock onto her back and began rubbing it around. Matsumoto looked up towards her captain.

"Spoilsport," she commented. "Honestly, you're going to have to put sunblock on someone's back sooner or later. There are a bunch of girls on the beach."

"What does that have to do with anything?" Captain Hitsugaya demanded.

"Well, maybe Ichigo's sister is here," Matsumoto said slyly, winking. Ichigo immediately looked up accusingly, and Hitsugaya sighed.

"I told you, we're not romantically involved."

"Yuzu?" Ichigo exclaimed.

"No, Karin," Hitsugaya corrected. "We merely played a game of soccer once. Or twice."

"Meant more to them than hand-holding," Matsumoto said, giggling. I chuckled.

"Rangiku has a point, Toshiro," I said. "You're going to be swarmed with girls as soon as you take your shirt off."

"Whoever said I was taking my shirt off?" Hitsugaya demanded, putting a hand protectively over his shirt, just in case.

"You will, mein freund, you will," I said darkly. "Look, there's Karin now. What a cute bikini."

Hitsugaya whipped around, and I immediately set to work on my master plan – operation "Get Toshiro's Shirt."

My clone snuck up behind Captain Hitsugaya at the moment when he was least expecting it, and slid her hand up his back, tearing his shirt in two in one swift movement. I had a fleeting wish that that could've been my hand going up his back.

Captain Hitsugaya roared, whipping around at a speed inhumanly possible. If he wasn't slower in his gigai, I wouldn't have had this chance to see his face now.

"Jun, you bastard!" He exclaimed, raising a hand.

"Oh, captain," Matsumoto said as she got to her feet, as Ichigo had finished applying sunblock. "Don't let it get to you. Besides, I didn't realize it before, but you _are_ cute."

"Don't you start, Matsumoto. I only wore a swimsuit because I knew Jun would probably try something funny, but I never expected her to stoop this low!" The captain exclaimed, trembling with rage.

"You look better that way," I said dismissively. "You have well-developed abs for someone so young."

"Jun-chan," Ishida said disapprovingly as he finished covering my back in white lotion. I grinned sheepishly.

"Sorry, Ishida-kun. Couldn't help myself," I said.

"Come on, captain," Matsumoto said cheerfully, grabbing her captain's arm. I hadn't realized it before, but he also had a nice tan.

Can't betray my boyfriend… can't betray my boyfriend… can't betray my boyfriend…

"Matsumoto, I am not going swimming," Captain Hitsugaya said, yanking his arm back.

"Right. You wouldn't want to get those pecs wet, now would you?" I said, snorting into the sand as I sat cross-legged on my towel.

"It has nothing to do with my pecs!" Hitsugaya exclaimed.

"Oh, captain," Matsumoto said sadly. "You're no fun."

"Fine! Five minutes!" He exclaimed finally, stomping down the beach towards the water. Matsumoto shrieked excitedly and raced after him.

A sudden sense of danger came over me… like knowing something bad would happen soon, and there was nothing I could do about it. My eyes widened slightly and my muscles tensed.

"Rangiku!" I screamed, getting to my feet fast.

I wasn't fast enough. A huge arm appeared on one of the huge waves and snaked towards Matsumoto and Captain Hitsugaya, who were standing on the shore's edge. Rather than grab Hitsugaya, who was the closest, it went right by him and wrapped around Matsumoto.

She screamed.

Everyone jumped up simultaneously, and I was already running down the beach as quickly as my legs could carry me. I wished I hadn't picked a bikini – something better battle-suited would've been a wiser choice. I wondered briefly if they made Kevlar swimsuits.

"Look out!" I yelped as a second arm appeared, then a third. Soon four arms were waving in the air, one holding Matsumoto high above the foreboding indigo waves. Two were stationary so far, but the other was heading for the captain.

He immediately popped a Soul Candy into his mouth and separated from his gigai, then reached for the sword over his shoulder. He yanked it from its sheath.

"Damn you," he growled, holding the sword up. "Frost unto the heavens, Hyorinmaru!"

Immediately, the huge ice dragon appeared from his sword and spiraled down towards the arm holding Matsumoto, which leapt out of the way. Matsumoto would be able to break out easily if she wasn't wearing a bikini smaller than a pillowcase, if she wasn't in her gigai, and if her arms weren't held to her sides.

I immediately sent my clones into the water, and they disappeared into the ocean. I wondered if they could still fight underwater, but I assumed they could, since there was a muffled roar of pain and one of the arms disappeared back under the surface.

Captain Hitsugaya brought his sword around in a slow arc, and the dragon followed his movements, slamming into a second arm. I pulled my clones back and stepped into one, feeling the smooth sensation as it melded around my shape.

"Hey, Toshiro!" I called up to him. "Can I get a ride?"

"No," Hitsugaya called back, the dragon swooping around and heading straight for the hand holding Matsumoto. Before they collided, however, the hand suddenly pulled back into the water, and Matsumoto disappeared under the surface.

"You were supposed to say 'Yes' and let me ride the dragon," I exclaimed, pouting.

"Shut up," Hitsugaya said as he landed back beside me, his eyes scanning the waves concernedly.

"Where is it?" Ichigo exclaimed as he appeared.

"What took you so long?" I demanded.

"My combat pass got lost in the sand," Ichigo explained, holding up the little crest.

"Well, perfect. It's gone now, with Rangiku," I said, raising a hand to hit him.

"Matsumoto!" Hitsugaya exclaimed suddenly. The arm had appeared again, holding a drenched Matsumoto who looked quite shaken and was gasping for breath.

"Humans," the echoing Hollow voice called across the beach. "I have this woman. If you do not drop your swords, I will drown her."

I don't know about you, but I wasn't surprised when both Soul Reapers tightened their holds on their zanpakutos.

"Jun," Ishida muttered under his breath. I shifted my gaze to him. He flicked his head slightly, and I frowned.

"What?" I mouthed. He flicked his head more desperately.

"Give me a clone," he murmured.

"Can't, sorry. I'm all out," I whispered back.

"Jun," Captain Hitsugaya said. "Is there any way to coat something else in that material?"

"Don't know, never tried it," I replied.

"Well, humans?" The sea monster demanded, its hold tightening on Matsumoto. She choked.

"See if you can cover Matsumoto, then force it out and immediately get rid of it, forcing him to let go," Hitsugaya whispered.

"Great idea," I whispered back. "One problem – what part of 'I'm all out' don't you understand?"

"Take it off," Ishida demanded. I turned to face him, eyebrow raised.

"What?" I asked in a slow, patient tone. Inside, I wondered if he had really just said what I thought he'd said.

"The clone," Ishida said impatiently. "Hurry!"

"Oh," I said sheepishly. "Right."

I dispersed the material around me and focused on Matsumoto. I was about ready to cast it when the arm was immediately pulled back into the water.

"Too late, humans," the voice said, chuckling. The other arms left with it, leaving the water still (or, you know, as still as an ocean usually is).

My arms dangled.

"Drat it," I exclaimed. "I was too late."

"Matsumoto!" Captain Hitsugaya called across the endless blue. "MATSUMOTO!"

"It's too late, Toshiro," I said sadly, putting a hand on his shoulder. "She's gone."

"Out of curiosity, what did you think I was telling you to do?" Ishida asked, raising a hand to push his glasses farther up his nose. I froze.

"Um… take… the clone off, obviously. Why would I think anything else?" I said, clearing my throat and avoiding his gaze.

"Because you're about the same color as Abarai's hair," Ishida said wryly. I felt the blush spread from my toes to my hairline.

"Well, whatever. Rangiku's not dead yet, maybe if we can find some magic cave or something where the sea monster will dress her in shells and keep her for his evil sea queen-"

"Yes, I'm sure that's what happened," Ichigo said sarcastically.

"Well, obviously he wanted her for some reason, and since it's not to take over the world, that's the only other evil option," I said indignantly.

"Let's go home," Captain Hitsugaya said softly, turning to head back up the beach. His gigai, inhabited by the Mod Soul, rushed after him.

"Poor Toshiro," I murmured, my eyebrows furrowing concernedly. "We're going to need to get Matsumoto back, otherwise he'll miss his child-like paperwork-avoiding usually-drunk well-endowed lieutenant so dearly that I might actually have to take her place and, as you know, I'm equally as allergic to paperwork."

"I think that's probably the longest sentence anyone had ever been able to string together," Ishida said thoughtfully.

"Really?" I asked, surprised. "I can do a longer one."

"What if…" Ichigo began slowly. "What if… Rangiku-san is dead? I mean, humans can't breathe underwater, and neither can Soul Reapers."

"Nonsense," I said firmly. "Matsumoto wouldn't let something like drowning kill her off. I'd like to think she's at least a _little_ stronger than that."

"So how do you plan on getting her back?" Ishida demanded. I sighed, staring into the distance thoughtfully. A slow smile spread across my face as an idea came to mind.

"You remember when I had that idea to get the cat out of the tree by sending the dog after it?" I asked. Ishida nodded.

"Painfully so," he said matter-of-factly.

"Well, we can do the same thing. He has a lot of arms, so maybe he'll want a queen for each arm. I'll go in after her and rescue her," I said excitedly. "I just need a really tiny bikini to catch his attention…"

"No way," Ishida said immediately. I put my hands on my hips.

"Is that speaking as a boyfriend, as a friend, as a Quincy, as a problem-solver, or as the inner boy who would actually love to see me in a tiny swimsuit?" I asked.

"All of the above, except maybe that last one. That would be foolish, then you'd both be trapped," Ishida said. "Entirely out of the question."

"But she can't do anything without a way of getting out of her gigai," I said. "I can at least bring her the Soul Candy, and then she can kill it easily using her zanpakuto."

"And if the plan fails and you're both trapped?" Ishida asked.

"Then I'll do what I'm best at – annoy him until he lets me go," I said, shrugging. "It's a flawless plan."

"Define 'flawless,'" Ichigo began.

"Shut up," I said impatiently. "Just wait, I'll find a way to attract him without covering myself with tuna salad and lying on a surfboard."

"I said no," Ishida said firmly.

"Too bad," I retorted. "You're not my mother."

"Wouldn't plain tuna do better?" Ichigo asked thoughtfully.

"It's possible, I was just thinking of this huge bowl of tuna salad that has been sitting in the back of my refrigerator since Friday," I replied. Ishida frowned.

"Are you guys taking this seriously?" He demanded.

"Define 'seriously,'" Ichigo and I said at the same time, turning to him simultaneously.

"I'm not letting you sacrifice yourself for a plan that's not well thought out," Ishida said. "I'm sorry, Jun, but I can't let you."  
"You think he'd prefer tuna tempura?" I continued, turning back to Ichigo. "Or raw? Or maybe seared, and covered in garlic and sesame seeds…"

"Are you listening, Jun?" Ishida demanded. I turned back to him.

"I was. It's a defensive reflex. My ears turn off when I'm listening to bull," I said matter-of-factly. "I'm going, and you can't stop me."

"Do you remember what happened to the cat you sent the dog up after?" Ishida asked.

"Yeah. The dog ate it. I don't think Matsumoto's in any danger of me eating her, though."

"I'm stopping you if I have to destroy your source of Spiritual Energy and leave you in a bomb shelter locked from the outside," Ishida said. I smiled slightly.

"Ishida-kun," I began, putting a hand on his shoulder. "It's sweet that you want to protect me, but I'm not a kid. I'm a big girl."

"Define-" Ichigo began, but I brought my fist down on his head without missing a beat.

"Not to mention totally awesome," I added. "I'll bring her back, don't worry. And I'll be in one piece, too. Ishida… I really do like you, but to be honest, you really have no say in my choice."

"I see." Ishida was silent for a moment.

"Plus, I…" I paused. Ishida's eyes darted to mine for an instant, worried. I shook my head. "It's nothing, I just had a thought. I'll make you a promise, okay? Valentine's Day is coming up. I'll get you chocolate for Valentine's Day. That way, I have to come back alive."

"You know I don't trust you, Jun," Ishida said wryly, pushing his glasses farther up his nose with his pointer finger.

"Glad we've got that settled out," I said cheerfully, patting him on the shoulder. "Now where can I find a really revealing bikini?"


	3. The ItsyBitsy TeenyWeeny Bikini

"There's nothing small enough," I decided firmly. Ishida cleared his throat.

"You know," he began. "I think the last couple were quite… revealing as is. However, I am rather good with a needle."

"Are you?" I asked, an evil gleam appearing in my eye. I turned slightly to face him. "So using another bikini, how much extra fabric could you cut off?"

"None," Ishida said. "However, I could cut off quite a bit of necessary fabric."

"That's what I said," I said impatiently.

"No, you said how much extra fabric. To be precise, there is no extra fabric. They have already created bikinis as small as lawfully allowed," Ishida said slowly.

"Okay, so I'll just have to break the law," I said, shrugging. "I don't want to either, but to be honest, I'm surprised you're against it."

"What, breaking the law?"

"No, seeing me in a really tiny bikini."

"Not all men enjoy that kind of thing."

"That's good to hear. I was getting worried, I thought you might be sick or something."

"Just because I'm against seeing… my girlfriend… in a very revealing bikini doesn't mean I'm sick or in any way infirm," Ishida said impatiently. "Now pick one, purchase it, and I'll make what modifications are necessary."

"Right," I said, snatching the bikini on the top of the pile.

"Are you certain this Hollow only takes women with especially small bikinis? It seems a little… farfetched. Perhaps he simply took a liking to the lieutenant," Ishida suggested.

"Are you saying my accoutrements aren't big enough?" I asked, looking down at my chest. Ishida turned bright pink.

"Er… no, that is to say… not really… I just thought perhaps…"

"I get it. Well, the only other option is tuna salad, and to be honest, I don't own a surfboard," I said frostily. "Now are you planning on leaving this store, or do you want to stay and perv on all the swimsuit models?"

"I'm right behind you," Ishida replied, equally as frostily. I headed towards the front of the store to purchase the bathing suit. I looked back at Ishida.

"You know, I still think it's sweet that you're worried about me. Or maybe you'd rather see me in tuna salad than a little swimsuit, in which case I'd be really worried."

"I assure you, that is not the case," Ishida said firmly, raising a hand to push his glasses farther up his nose. I grinned evilly.

"So you _do_ want to see me in a little swimsuit?"

"Jun-chan…"

"I know, I know – you can't wait. That's okay, I understand completely. After all, my beauty, impish charm, and infallible sense of humor would be enough to sway any man, no matter how much he tries to claw his way out," I said, raising a hand to brush my hair back loftily.

"Luckily, the cashier is a girl, otherwise you might feel the need to prove it," Ishida said sadly, with a long-suffering sigh. I slowly brought my hands to my hips.

"You think she's pretty, don't you?" I demanded.

"Er… no…"

"You should never say women are ugly! There are two subjects that men must never bring up during a conversation with a woman, and that's her age, her weight, and her looks, unless you're saying she's pretty."

"That's three…"

"So now you want to complain?"

Ishida was near breaking point now. I grinned.

"I was joking," I said, standing on my tippy toes and giving my boyfriend a kiss. "You keep taking me so seriously."

"If I don't, I'm afraid you'll do something cruel and unusual," Ishida said, looking rather pleased with himself as he smugly raised a hand and pushed his glasses farther up his nose. I grinned.

"I would at that," I admitted, dropping the swimsuit on the table for the cashier to ring up.

"I know," Ishida replied, smiling down at me.

"Stop that," I said immediately. "Don't get all sappy on me now."

"I was only smiling," Ishida said, confused.

"Well, don't do it in public," I said.  
"What, smile?"

"Yeah, it looks bad for your image, you know?"

"No, I don't know. Kindly explain."

"…you know it takes 43 muscles to frown, and 17 to smile?"

"Yes, I know that. The question is, how do you know that?"

"I read it somewhere. I think it was on your test last week when I was cheating off you."

"Most boyfriends would take offense at that, I think."

"Yeah, but I was putting your brain to use. Besides, I got an A minus. That's the highest grade I've ever gotten, except when I cheated off you for Math and got an A. That was actually my highest grade. I swear; algebra teachers are terrorists who come to school bearing weapons of math destruction."

"Out of curiosity, what was the highest grade you got without cheating off of anyone?" Ishida asked curiously as I paid for the swimsuit, collected the bag, and headed towards the exit. He followed.

"That was probably the time I got a C plus by copying off license plates in the parking lot. Man, I was so lucky that time that it wasn't even funny."

"You are extraordinarily lucky, Jun-chan," Ishida admitted, raising a hand to push his glasses farther up his nose.

"Well, yeah," I said sweetly. "Because I have you."

* * *

"I still think tuna salad would've worked better," I grumbled, looking at my reflection in the mirror. I was feeling very, very uncomfortable as I stood there looking at myself. I had, of course, sent every male out of the room, but I was feeling cold in 80 degree weather.

Does that give you a hint of exactly how small this bikini was?

Rukia burst into laughter from behind me and I scowled.

"What?" I demanded.

"If you're going to wear that, you've got to _wear it_. Practice your strut, hold your head high, and wink at cute boys your age when you pass by. Swing your hips, wear really loud bangles, and put your hair up messily."

"Like I'd take fashion advice from you," I snorted. "If you had your way, you'd be holding up a rabbit-shaped patch and saying, 'Let me sew a bunny rabbit onto it, pyon!'"

"That's Chappy," Rukia said reproachfully.

"Not the bunny part," I said, matter-of-factly.

"I love bunnies," Rukia sighed, clasping her hands and gazing rapturously up at the ceiling.

"I know. You've made it painfully obvious."

"You sound more and more like Ishida every day," Rukia said, crossing her arms.

"There's not even enough room to sew a rabbit patch on it!" I exclaimed, looking down at myself and feeling worse every minute.

As it would happen, due to Murphy's Law yet again, the pinnacle of Bad Timing had retained its previous face – Kisuke Urahara.

"Rukia-san, have you seen-?" He asked, as he slid open the door and entered the room. He saw me. His eyes started at my face and slowly traveled down. He immediately raised his fan to his face and fluttered it gently, starting a creepy laugh.

"You're still a crazy pervert, old man," I snarled, crossing my arms slowly so that my muscle movement wouldn't cause any sort of chain reaction beginning with _twang_.

"It's not his fault. You're standing in front of him in a bikini made with less fabric than a tea cozy! How could he not feel the need to stare a bit?" Rukia exclaimed, crossing her own arms.

"Oy, Ishida-kun!" I hollered. There was the sound of footsteps.

If I had had a camera, nothing would've stopped me from taking a picture of his face and saving it forever in a pocket near my heart.

"You really should start calling me by my first name," he began as he entered the room and stopped dead right next to Urahara. A frantic blush slowly spread from his toes upwards until it reached his hairline. He raised a trembling hand to (attempt to) nonchalantly push his glasses farther up his nose.

"What do you think?" I asked.

"Nice," he said in a strangled sort of voice.

"Are you choking? Do you need the Heimlich Maneuver?" I asked, moving towards him. He held up his hands immediately, shutting his eyes tight.

"No, no, no!" He wailed, looking frantically around for some sort of exit.

"Am I that unattractive?" I asked, crestfallen.

"Er…" Ishida was panting furiously as he fought to keep his posture. Urahara saved him by moving his fan from his face to Ishida's. Ishida hid behind it as he told himself to breathe normally.

"I see," I said, tapping my bare foot. "Apparently my boyfriend is trying to protect my modesty by not looking. Looks like you have no such scruples."

"One develops immunity over time," Urahara said, still chuckling slowly.

"Oy, Renji! You've got to see this!" Rukia yelled over her shoulder. I panicked.

"No, no, no!" I exclaimed, leaping forward to shush her, but the damage was already done.

"What is it, Rukia?" Renji asked as he, too became part of the increasingly growing traffic jam at the door. He raised his hands to cover his eyes like any gentleman should – except that his fingers were wide open and he was drinking in the sight.

"Don't… call… Ichigo…" I warned as Rukia opened her mouth again. She shut it with a click, grinning at me.

"It's because of the 'pyon' joke," she said. "It's nothing personal. Oy, Ichigo!"

"That is personal!" I exclaimed, wringing my hands and pulling at my hair as Ichigo, too, joined the drooling group of male spectators.

"Toshiro's the only one left, and you wouldn't make him come when he's mourning his lieutenant, would you? You're not that cold-hearted?" I pleaded, clasping my hands together.

"Yeah, I would, _pyon_," Rukia said evilly, opening her mouth. I could take no more. I leapt forward and tackled her, with no plan in mind, just to cause her as much pain as possible. I immediately felt multiple hands pulling me off of her, and realized the others must have stopped the fight by pulling me off Rukia.

I noticed that, unlike when most people try to pull two girls apart, they had not split into two groups and one held me while the other held Rukia. No, instead they all happily held _me_ back, which meant that I had not one, not two, but four boys (well, three boys and one old man) all grabbing me.

"Getting a little personal there," I murmured to Renji, who had gotten there first and slid his arms around my shoulders. He let go immediately and I would've fallen to the ground if not for the other three male supports.

"Could you please quiet down in there?" The smooth, young, and very unnecessary voice of Captain Hitsugaya said as he entered the room as well. He stared for a moment at the spectacle, then sighed.

"Being around Jun has one benefit; I can't be surprised anymore. It's physically impossible for my eyes to widen anymore," he said as he turned to head back.

"Oh, Toshiro!" Rukia sang. He turned back.

"What?" He asked, giving his 'I am not amused – Captain Kurotsuchi' imitation.

"Look at Jun," she said, pointing.

"I have," he said with another sigh, his face shifting to the ever-popular 'I am not amused – Byakuya Kuchiki' edition. "It's generally considered against the rules of society for me to ogle another person's girlfriend."

"Thank you," Ishida said, relieved.

"Aww, is wittle Shiro-chan upsetty-wetty?" I crooned, clasping my hands in mock theatrics. The captain regarded me with polite interest, somehow managing to keep his eyes on my face. What an iron will this guy had!

"I am, as you so delicately put it, 'upsetty-wetty,'" the captain responded, and disappeared down the hall.

"Good," I said. "Now y'all better scat before I do something you'll regret."

There was a momentary flurry of feet.

"You too, Kuchiki," I said, not even looking straight at Rukia.

"So it's back to last names for me?" Rukia sighed mournfully. "All right, whatever you say."

"Good riddance!" I hollered after the group as the door shut. I sighed, turning back to the mirror. I cocked my hip experimentally and tried to put on a 'beach babe' pout, but it just didn't really fit me. I was not an actress, I knew that much.

Sighing once more, I collected my clothes and, after furtively making sure there were no peeping Toms outside the door, I slipped them on over my bikini.

* * *

Matsumoto opened her eyes. The first shock she got was when she realized she was lying on a pile of silk – the second came when she realized she was still in her swimsuit and that there were other girls in the same predicament in random spots throughout the huge room.

A small group of human teenagers chatted by one corner, whereas it seemed that the side Matsumoto was on was for those slightly more mature and less than half as annoying.

She should've been on the other side.

Matsumoto sighed, getting to her feet and brushing herself off. She put her hands on her hips and looked around the room, trying to get a grasp of where she was. There were silk beds and lots of pearl jewelry which Matsumoto actually found attractive, but for some reason, the window showed ocean on the other side.

… Ocean?

"Where am I?" Matsumoto asked aloud, turning to the nearest woman. The woman shrugged.

"I only got here yesterday, but man, I am enjoying it," she said, reaching towards a bowlful of grapes and popping one into her mouth. "My fiancé never treated me half as good as this."

"You said it, sister!" Another woman cried cheerfully from across the room.

"Any sake?" Matsumoto asked curiously, looking around the room.

"Sadly not," another woman said with a sigh. All in all, Matsumoto counted three young women about her age and three teenagers, all of which were wearing bikinis, and little ones at that.

"However," the third woman continued, "there is food and refreshments and such. The only thing there isn't is a change of clothes. Someone is having the time of their lives right now."

"Probably watching from somewhere," said the first woman, popping a second grape into her mouth. "And really enjoying himself."

"We guessed it's a he," the third woman added, "because we thought, 'who else would kidnap a bunch of pretty women in little bikinis from the beach?' Faced with this predicament, we've decided to wait for someone to rescue us."

"It might take our whole lives," the second woman pointed out. "I don't know about you guys, but my boyfriend probably hasn't even realized I'm gone. It might take a couple of weeks before he does, and by then, I'll probably have gained fifteen pounds by snacking."

"My captain is probably looking for me," Matsumoto said thoughtfully, gazing towards the ceiling.

"Captain? Are you in the army or something?" One of the teenagers asked, coming over and joining the older group.

"Or something," Matsumoto said cheerfully. "My name's Rangiku."

"I'm Natsumi," said the first woman. She pointed to the second woman. "This is Reiki."

"I'm Mitsu," said the third woman.

"I'm Yoshe," began the teenager. She pointed towards her two friends in the back corner of the room. "And those are my friends, Yua and Nanami."

"Nice to meet you all," Matsumoto said cheerfully. "Do we know who our host is yet?"

"Not really. It's weird, he's like, invisible," Yoshe said, grinning. "It's cool but sort of creepy at the same time. He just, like, comes in every now and then with more food or something. It looks like the bowl is floating."

"Yeah," Reiki agreed. "It's pretty weird."

"But hey, he takes good care of us, so I don't really care," Mitsu said, shaking her head and shrugging. There were murmured agreements from the other girls.

"He's probably really cute," Nanami said excitedly from across the room. "Like, tall, dark, and _gorgeous_."

"Yeah, right," scoffed Yua, crossing her arms and scowling. "If I was that lucky, I'd still be back at the beach."

"But it's so much nicer here," Yoshe said, clicking her tongue. "Come on, Yua, appreciate it!"

"No thanks," Yua said, settling down in one of the silken beds. "Honestly, it's all just a little too weird for me. I mean, look outside. Ocean? Anyone but me find that fishy?"

"Of course it's fishy, Yua, it's the ocean," Nanami giggled. Yua was not amused.

"It is a little strange," Matsumoto admitted. Strangely enough, it was not strange to her that an ocean Hollow would have an underwater hideout… but why would he be collecting girls from the beach? It did seem a little odd, she had to admit.

* * *

"I just put my clothes on over," I said, scowling. "The stupid bikini is underneath."

"You do know this is your idea, right?" Ishida asked exasperatedly. "I was against it, but you insisted, so here we are. Now you've got to go through with it. You know, it took every ounce of willpower I had not to attach a cape to it?"

"What, the bikini?" I asked, snorting. The look on his face said clearly that I had found the truth. I shrugged.

"Okay, fine," I said, crossing my arms and pulling my shirt over my head. The hope that somehow the bikini had grown within the last couple hours proved to be futile. Ishida cleared his throat and looked away as I collected my clothes into a pile, which I then promptly shoved into his hands.

"Take good care of her for me, will you?" I said in mock mournfulness, stroking my shirt in his hands. Ishida scowled.

"This is no time to be joking," he said disapprovingly. "Captain Hitsugaya, Renji, and Ichigo are all watching from above. They'll be watching the water for any signs of movement.

"I'm not going in the water, okay, because I don't trust this elastic," I said, twanging the strings that held the top around my chest.

"I reinforced the elastic, it should be fine in the water," Ishida said smugly.

"Would you be offended if I told you, with no offense meant, that I still don't trust it?" I asked, twanging it again.

"The more you do that, the less it'll hold," Ishida said matter-of-factly.

"Right," I said sheepishly, dropping my hand. I sighed. "Well, here goes. Wish me luck."

Ishida did more than that. As I turned to head down the beach towards the water, Ishida's arms were suddenly around me, and he pulled me close, pressing his lips against mine.

"I'm coming back, you know," I said, giggling, as he let me go.

"Just in case," Ishida murmured. He watched me closely as I headed down the steps (willing myself not to trip, of course, because that'd just be adding injury to insult) and onto the sand. The sand was warm under my feet, but I still felt cold.

I watched the ocean carefully, frowning slightly. To be honest, I didn't want to do this much more than Ishida didn't want me to, but I really didn't have a choice. After all, I was the only girl in the group of guys, not counting Rukia.

I wondered briefly how Ichigo or Renji would look in a bikini, and if a Hollow would be dumb enough to fall for it. I was instantly nauseated and came to the conclusion that no, I don't think anyone would fall for it. I sighed.

I reached the waterline, and the waves lapped at my toes. I glanced back up towards the parking lot, where Ishida gave a reassuring wave, and looked around to try to spot the others. I saw Ichigo and Renji on some sort of sandy hill, and they were fighting for what looked like a pair of binoculars. Beside them sat Captain Hitsugaya, who raised a hand and hit them both on the head.

Aww, for me? You shouldn't have. I would've laughed had it not been my life I was throwing to the sharks, nearly literally in that respect.

"Oy, fishface!" I called towards the water, waving my arms. There was no reply. I sighed, crossing my arms and tapping my foot. After a few minutes of this, I began wading into the water.

It was cold, of course, because everyone knows that it couldn't possibly be warm, because that'd be being nice to the bikini-clad protagonist and therefore against the rules of the world. I began whistling nonchalantly as I waded to my knees.

"Hey, I can whistle!" I said suddenly, excited. Huh. I'd never known that before. Too late now, I suppose. I stood in the water, which was up to my waist by now, shivering for a few minutes, and still nothing. I sighed and began to turn back.

Something cold and slimy wrapped around my leg. Excuse me, the slimy was an illusion caused by smooth skin and ocean water (got that from Ishida's science test paper. I can't believe I still remember that…)

It yanked me off my feet. I shrieked out of habit, which was foolish because this was what I had been trying to do all along. Nevertheless, the tentacle that gripped me let go for a moment.

Then two more wrapped around my waist, and I was suddenly jerked underwater. I felt like a rag doll, perfectly powerless. As a human underwater, my strength was no match for that of a water-dwelling creature.

The water closed above my head. I watched as I was pulled deeper and deeper, my air slowly running out, the coin-sized spot of sunlight on the ripples above me shining below. The sunlight was beautiful as it filtered through the water, but I couldn't enjoy it much, because I was dying.

I couldn't breathe, my arms were at my sides, and though I tried to get back to the surface, I was entirely helpless.

And then everything turned a familiar shade of pitch black.


	4. Infiltration Successful

"Give me that!" Renji exclaimed, grabbing for Ichigo's binoculars, which he was smart enough to bring although apparently not smart enough to bring two pairs.

"These are mine, get your own!" Ichigo spat, yanking the binoculars back and putting them to his eyes as he watched Jun head down the beach. He was chuckling to himself, his cheeks bright pink.

"I want to see!" Renji exclaimed, hitting Ichigo on the head and grabbing the binoculars. He put them to his own eyes and whistled.

"Wow, she looks good in a swimsuit," he said approvingly. Ichigo snatched his binoculars back.

"I know," he said, annoyed.

"I can't believe you two are fighting to watch someone else's girlfriend," Captain Hitsugaya said disapprovingly. "How sad." Renji jumped.

"Captain!" He exclaimed. "I didn't see you there."

"Hey, Toshiro, you want a turn?" Ichigo asked, gallantly offering the binoculars to the short, white-haired child captain. Hitsugaya scowled and hit Ichigo on the head, then promptly did the same to Renji.

"Reminds me of someone," Renji grumbled as he rubbed his head.

"Hey, she's in the water!" Ichigo exclaimed, staring through the binoculars.

"Give me that! I want to see!" Renji exclaimed, trying to grab ahold of the object.

"Her top just fell off!" Ichigo exclaimed. Renji immediately attacked him and yanked the binoculars away, putting them excitedly to his own eyes. Ichigo burst out laughing.

"Got you," he said, chortling. Renji scowled.

"Hey, look, there's something in the water," he said suddenly.  
"I'm not falling for my own trick, thank you very much," Ichigo said with a snort.

"There really is something in the water," Captain Hitsugaya said from beside him. Ichigo glanced at him. Captain Hitsugaya had his own pair of binoculars pressed firmly to his eyes, as though daring Ichigo to try and take them.

"Give it to me," Ichigo said, turning to Renji. "I bought those!"

"So? You'll get them back," Renji said, making no move to give them back. There was a short, sharp scream, and Ichigo immediately looked down at the beach, binocular-less.

"There's one arm. No, two," Renji said, pressing the binoculars harder against his eyes. "I think the bikini is fraying!"

"Yeah, right," Ichigo said, grabbing the binoculars away from him just as Jun disappeared under the surface of the water. He scowled. "You had them the whole time, so I missed everything," Ichigo accused. Renji shrugged.

"Oh, well," he said.

"I hate you," Ichigo grumbled. Renji grinned as they both turned to head down the sand dune and back to the parking lot, where Ishida was waiting impatiently.

* * *

"Dun, dun, dun… da-da-da-da-da! Dum de dum dum… dan dan dan dan!" I hummed danger music as I crawled across the dimly hit hallway floor. I straightened up and plastered myself against the wall, twisting my neck to peer around the corner.

"Da dum… da dum… da dum… da-dum, da-dum, da-dum, da-dum, da-da-da-da!" I finished with the 'Jaws' theme song as I leaped into the brightly lit room, making my fantastic entrance.

The room was empty.

I sighed. This was the third room I had dropped into since waking up on a silk bed and taking a quick nap before continuing my journey. I had infiltrated the enemy base and was proceeding to search for the target, but so far there was no sign of her.

I whistled to myself as I headed back down the hall, flat against the wall, before creeping past a door and tiptoeing into another hall.

It was endless. There were twisting halls, locked doors, lit rooms, but still no Lieutenant Matsumoto. I could follow the drunken laughter usually, except that this time there wasn't any, nor any particularly angry captains yelling about unfinished paperwork.

I walked normally down this hall, because stealth mode was wearing out the limited life span of my limited-life-span bikini already, and I didn't think there was a warranty. I kept listening, but I knew that I was not only lost, but very lost.

"—collection is growing exponentially!" said an amazingly cheerful voice very suddenly from nearby. I almost hit myself in an attempt to take up a martial arts stance.

"Of course, my lord," said a female voice in a dreary tone. "That's eight so far."

"I need at least eleven, of course," continued the first, male voice.

"Well, you did say you needed at least eight when we had six, so it only makes sense that now you'd need eleven," continued the female voice.  
"I didn't hire you for your math abilities," the male voice said petulantly. "I was merely telling you my plan after you voiced your distress at not knowing."

"That's because I _didn't_ want to know, my lord," said the female voice with a long-suffering sigh. "Perhaps eight will do for the time being?"

"No!" the male voice said immediately. "I must have at least eleven. No, make it fifteen. Soon I will have the largest collection of beach girls in the world!"

Largest collection of beach girls?

"You are getting there, my lord," the female voice admitted reluctantly. "Fifteen it is. We will need exactly seven more, so nearly double what we have now."

"What _I_ have now," the male voice corrected. "And make it sixteen, so it's a nice even double. My newest addition ought to have woken up by now, so go get Snow White and bring her to the main room so I can watch her, too."

I looked down at my snow white bikini and had a terrible sinking feeling.

"Add her to Ruby Red, Sky Blue, Topaz Yellow, and Leaf Emerald. I admit, it was more difficult to find one in white that I had thought," the male voice continued.

"Yes, my lord. Should I group her with Midnight Black, Polka Dot, and Vaguely-Floral as well, just to keep them all together and categorize as the first half?"

"You do that," the male voice said decidedly. "And hurry it up, too. Also, get tea – the girls look thirsty."

"Yes, my lord."

I immediately raced around the corner and slammed into the wall, holding my breath, as the door opened and footsteps were heard. The footsteps headed in the opposite direction, and as soon as I couldn't hear them anymore, I let out a sigh of relief.

A Hollow with a habit of collecting beach girls. How interesting. To think, I had thought stamp-collectors were odd! Apparently he categorized them by bikini color, which meant that Sky Blue was most likely Lieutenant Matsumoto.

I turned the corner slowly to continue down the hall.

"I see you've woken up at last, Snow White," said a slow female voice as it became apparent that I had slammed into someone unseen on the other side. I looked up. It was a tall woman with her hair up neatly, a clipboard in her hands, and dressed entirely in puce.

"Hello, Puce," I said aloud, giving a little goofy wave. "I have some business to attend to, so I can't talk now, but I'll see you later," I tried to quickly push past her and race away, but the woman snatched my hair with a practiced hand and yanked me back.

"Ah, ooh, ouch, ee, ah, ooh, owie!" I exclaimed as she dragged me by my hair down the hall towards a door at the end of the hall.

"Follicle distress, follicle distress!" I exclaimed as she unlocked the door and let go of my hair.

"Enjoy," she said with a little smile, pushing me into the room. The door shut behind me with a clang and a familiar locking sound. I turned back towards the door to stick my tongue out, whatever good that did.

"Jun!" A voice exclaimed. I whipped around. I was in a fancy room, with tables of treats and silken beds, and multiple women in apparently the same predicament as me – in a bikini with no change of clothes. The woman who had called out to me was waving excitedly from her bed.

"Rangiku!" I exclaimed. Sure enough, it was the lieutenant, talking with the other women.

"Come join us," Matsumoto called, waving.

"What are you doing here? Haven't you been trying to escape before I came to get you?" I demanded, crossing the room towards her.

"It's very nice here," Matsumoto said. "Besides, there's not a single piece of paperwork in sight! It's simply heaven!"

"Yeah, but the World of the Living has sake," I reminded her. Matsumoto's grin faded.

"That's true," she said mournfully.

"Anyway, come on. You've got to take a gikongan and get out of your gigai…" I stopped dead, a terrible sense of foreboding coming over me. I knew I'd forgotten something.

"Right, so you brought one with you?" Matsumoto asked pleasantly.

"Drat it!" I exclaimed, stomping in anger. "I spent so much time worrying about bikini versus tuna salad that I forgot to grab a stupid Chappy!"

"Whoops?" Matsumoto said, raising her hands in defeat. "Looks like I'll have to stay."

"Oh, no you don't!" I snarled. "Not after coming all this way in a bikini! We're going to Plan B, so I expect you to help out."

"Sure," Matsumoto said agreeably. She paused, then leaned in close. "What's Plan B?" She whispered.

"Doing what I'm best at," I said. "Annoy the Hollow until he lets us go."

"Huh?" Asked a woman from nearby. She was frowning.

"Oh, yes," Matsumoto said pleasantly, turning towards the group. "Jun, this is Natsumi, Reiki, Mitsu, Yoshe, Yua, and Nanami. Guys, this is Jun, a friend of mine."

There were murmured greetings.

"Okay, so you guys want to help too? We're busting out of here," I said excitedly.

"Why?" Natsumi asked curiously. "I like it here."

There were murmured agreements.

"I'm sorry, you enjoy being kept prisoner in a bikini in an underwater cavern being constantly watched by a monster?" I asked, crossing my arms. I sighed, shaking my head. "You guys are weird, I'll give you that. That takes a special kind of stupid."

"You have such a way with words," Matsumoto murmured as the women's expressions changed from confused to varying degrees of annoyance and outrage.

"Well, that fat overlord probably heard every word I said, so I suggest we skedaddle," I said, turning back towards the door. As I reached for the handle, it swung open on its own, revealing a cloaked figure.

I turned back towards the group.

"I'm sorry, it seems I was mistaken," I said. "I meant Dracula, not 'fat overlord.'"

"I am neither," said a male voice frostily from the hall. He dropped his hood.

I wish I could say it was Ishida or Captain Hitsugaya, or even just Urahara, but sadly it was yet another weird person whose name I did not know.

"I am the butler," he announced. I couldn't help it – I burst out laughing.

He was tall, dark, and handsome, the picture of butleresque-ness, and wore a black suit. That combined with the red rose in his button-hole, the top hat, and the cape, he reminded me of someone my dear boyfriend had styled.

"I admit, I didn't expect you in the monster's hideout," I said, still laughing. "You look like one of Uryu's projects!"

"One of whose?" The butler asked frostily.

"My boyfriend," I explained. "He thinks he's a seamstress."

"That's sad," one of the ladies murmured from behind me.

"I assure you, I know of no Err-You," the butler said.

"Uryu!" I corrected, waggling a finger under his nose. "If you're going to attempt to say it at all, say it right! It's an affront to his memory, say what!"

"What?" The butler asked, confused.

"It's just a Briticism," I said, rolling my eyes. "I wasn't saying you should actually say 'what.'"

"What?" Matsumoto asked from behind me. I sighed.

"Anyway, my seamstress boyfriend has a wardrobe somewhat like yours, except in white. He takes pride in his whites above all. He's half laundry detergent, you see. Half laundry detergent, half seamstress, and half Quincy, that's him," I continued cheerfully.

"Isn't that…" one of the women began slowly. I nodded before she could finish her sentence.

"Yep. He's one and a half men!" I exclaimed. "A rare find, though I do say so myself."

"I see," the butler said, frowning. "I was sent by the master of this castle to-"

"Hold it," I announced. "This is a castle? Man, I had no clue. I thought maybe an underwater resort. Hey, but an evil castle isn't complete without lightning! Where's the lightning?"

"Allow me to stress the 'underwater' part of this castle. There is no lightning underwater," the butler explained patiently.

"Oh, so you think you know everything, huh, wise guy?" I demanded furiously, tapping my foot and crossing my arms. "Who says there can't be lightning underwater?"

"Everybody," the butler replied through gritted teeth, his patience visibly fading.

"I really have to meet this Everybody guy. Does he have a first name, or is it just Mr. Everybody?" I asked. "Because everybody talks about this Everybody, and it's extraordinarily annoying because I have no clue who he is."

"Excuse me," the butler said, taking a step back. He reached forward and slammed the door shut in front of him, and we were alone once more.

"Phase One of Plan B complete," I said in a stage whisper directed towards Matsumoto. "Operation 'Annoy the Evil Butler' has succeeded."

"Right," Matsumoto said, confused, as she mirrored my thumbs-up but obviously had no clue what I was talking about. "So what's Phase Two?"

"I assure you, you'll be the first to know as soon as I think of one," I said cheerfully.

* * *

"She never said when she'd be back."

"She's late."

"I'm telling you, there's no set time."

"She's late."

"Quit worrying, she'll be back soon. She never said it'd take her less than a day."

"She's late."

"It'll probably take two days, in fact."

"She's late."

"Maybe even three."

"How much later can you get?" Ishida said finally, bringing his fist down on the hood of the car. Urahara winced.

"It's a rental," he said through clenched teeth. "_Please_ try not to dent it."

"She should've been back by now," Ishida argued. Urahara sighed.

"I told you, there's no set time. She'll take as long as she needs."

"How long does it take to storm in, give the Soul Candy to Rangiku-san, and bust out?" Ishida demanded. Urahara suddenly looked sheepish.

"Ah… about that…"

Ishida turned very slowly, raising a hand to push his glasses farther up his nose. If it was possible to do this in a threatening manner, he did so.

"I'm listening," he said shortly.

"Well," Urahara began, scratching the back of his head. "I may have forgotten to give her a Soul Candy. I mean, I suppose I forgot, just looking at her… I mean, where would she put it, you know? And anyway… in the heat of the moment and all… I forgot to hand her one."

"You… forgot…" Ishida repeated dumbly. "You forgot… forgot to…"

"Just a simple mistake," Urahara said, grinning sheepishly. "It shouldn't be too much of a problem, she's pretty strong. She could probably get out of there by herself, without Rangiku-san's help. Don't forget, Rangiku-san can still perform some Kido while in her gigai."

"We're doomed," Ishida said matter-of-factly. "So very, very doomed. Doomed to hell and beyond. Doomed to the moon and back. Doomsday was an understatement. Aliens would be better than this. I never thought it'd end this way."

"Ah, don't worry. Rangiku-san will take of her."

"…then Jun will eat her just like the poor cat. Oh, doomed."

* * *

"Phase 2 of Plan B successful!" I said excitedly.

"But all you did was eat all the grapes," Natsumi said disappointedly.

"Exactly," I said smugly, swallowing. "It's foolproof."

"Jun," Matsumoto asked, appearing in the corner of my vision. "I have two questions for you. First, how will that help, exactly? Second, what's Phase 3?"

"We're still on phase two," I said. "Now that all the grapes are gone, we're going to hide by the door, and when someone comes to replace them, we push past him and run away."

"You can't use Shunpo, I presume?" Matsumoto asked.

"Okay, that is annoying," I said, scowling. "Yeah, okay, so Soul Reapers can use Shunpo, Espada can use Sonido, and all I can do is do-si-do. Unfair!"

"We don't have a chance. The other girls are all human, so all they can do is do-si-so as well. There's no way we can just waltz right out of here."

"We won't be. A do-si-do is a square dancing move. We'll be square dancing out of here," I corrected.

"That's even worse! At least ballroom dancing has grace!"

"Square dancing is country ballroom."

"Country barn-room, you mean!"

"Hey, that's a good one. I have to remember that," I said thoughtfully. I shrugged. "This is our chance, and to be honest, I can't wait to get back to my boyfriend, even if he does wear funny stuff and say smart-ass things."

"That's not much different from you," Matsumoto said matter-of-factly.

"Hey! I'm _bad_ass, and I'll have you know that little bikinis are the height of fashion around now," I said defensively, crossing my arms.

"I wasn't talking about the bikini, I was talking about that dress you wore yesterday," Matsumoto said. I hung my head.

"Ishida made it for me," I grumbled. "It was cute-ish and I was obliged to wear it as his girlfriend, to support his decisions and help his reach his dream, etcetera."

"I wouldn't wear something like that even if my captain shoved it into my hands and told me it was a matter of life or death."

"You know, when you disappeared, he let out this, like, movie-style anguished scream that echoed endlessly over the waves and stuff. It was really very moving," I said, "but I was busy wondering what kind of tuna I should use for if the little bikini wasn't enough."

"Tuna?" Matsumoto asked, frowning.

"Never mind," I said, waving my hand dismissively.

"We're all out of tuna fish, so I suggest you come up with a better idea," Matsumoto said matter-of-factly.

A minute later I was sobbing and banging on the door.

"Let me out, please, I'm dying!" I sobbed, opening on eye momentarily to see if there was any change. None.

"I have claustrophobia, agoraphobia, and a terrible fear of hippopotamuses!" I exclaimed. "Please, before I wither away to bones! I must return home with my friend or the last Jun will die off. I'm an endangered species!"

"Shut up," the male voice I had heard before, not the butler's voice, echoed throughout the room. Judging by the empty looks on everyone's faces, it was the Hollow, because only Matsumoto and I could hear it.

"I'm afraid of the dark, of pickles, of splinters, of flowers, of long words, of dentists, of people and of being captured by a monster and held as part of his beach girl collection! I swear I'll get you the entire Barbie set including the accessories!" I sobbed, clutching at my throat as I slid piteously down the door.

I closed my eyes and stuck out my tongue in a dead-bug impersonation. There was a moment or two of silence before the Hollow spoke again.

"You have problems, you know that?" He said.

"Say that to my face, you bastard!" I exclaimed, jumping up. I slid back down in a mock faint. "Oh, I also have a fear of dust, and I think I'm choking." I coughed gently into my fist.

"Nice try," the Hollow's voice said.

"Rangiku, I need your help, I can't walk," I said, giving a theatric moan and reaching out to the lieutenant. She helped me up.

"This is Phase 3," I whispered in her ear. She understood immediately, and we both sat back down hard.

"Oh, I think I caught her fears!" Matsumoto exclaimed, rolling on the floor.

"I'm choking!"

"I'm drowning!"

"Root canal!"

"I'm being swallowed by darkness!"

"A forest of pickles!"

"!"

"Please, not that word, that so very long word! Oh, I'm dying!"

"All right, all right," the Hollow said hurriedly. "What do you want? Hurry it up, I have better things to do than messing around with a collection."

"Too late, I'm dead," I said theatrically, clasping a hand against my chest and collapsing against Matsumoto. We both lay on the floor unmoving until I heard the other women start shrieking (I can only assume they picked up on the plan) and the door opened frantically.

"Get up," someone muttered, kicking me in the ribs (not part of the plan). It was the butler dude from before, and he looked upset.

"Can't you see I'm dead? Dead women ain't walking," I grumbled, crossing my arms and staring up at him from the floor.

"You stay there and we both get in trouble," the butler hissed.

"Dude, I'm already in trouble. I've been in jail twice, juvenile detention for a total of five weeks. I've stolen cars and now I have a built-in tracking device installed under my skin for police to keep tabs on me," I lied. "They're going to find me and drag me back."

"I demand you take me to your leader," Matsumoto demanded.

"That's a good one," I said, starting to laugh in the butler's face. "I'm sorry, like _you_ could take us to your leader. Look at those scrawny little arms…"

"And those spindly little legs!" Matsumoto crowed.

"Bony fingers!"

"Ugly face!"

"Flabby gluteus maximus!"

"What does that mean?" Matsumoto asked, frowning as she turned to me. I shrugged.

"I think it's a muscle," I whispered back. The truth was, everything I knew I got from Ishida's test papers and notes.

"That's… that's just cruel," the butler stammered. "I do not have… any of those outrageous things."

"Sorry, but have you looked in a mirror recently?" I asked, snorting.

"I'll bring you to my 'leader,' just wait and see. You'll regret it, you monsters of women, you," the butler snarled. He reached down to grab me, but couldn't find a decent handhold anywhere.

"If you put your hand there, I will bite it off," I said calmly as he reached.

"Same," Matsumoto said as he reached towards her. He hissed between his teeth, helpless before such adversity.

"You know what, maybe I'm only half dead. I feel quite energetic for a dead person. I think I might be able to walk after all," I said decidedly. I glanced at Matsumoto. "What do you think, Matzo?"

"Matzo?" Matsumoto asked, frowning slightly. She brightened up. "Oh, right. Maybe just a step or two could be managed… I don't know, I'm still feeling a little faint."

"Dead," I corrected.

"Yes, a little dead," Matsumoto revised, nodding. The butler slouched slightly.

"About face!" I shrieked. The butler leapt up.

"What about my face this time?" He shrieked back.

"That just meant that you should straighten up, because it's not right for a butler like you to be slouching," I said as I got to my feet. I straightened his bow tie. "There you go, Harry."

"Thank you, mother," the butler said meekly. He shook his head. "What am I saying? Stop that!"

"It's impossible to resist my mind-bending powers, Harry," I said slowly and seriously.

"My name isn't Harry!" The butler snapped.

"Really?" I asked innocently. "You look like a Harry. Maybe I was reading the vibes wrong… is it Larry?"

"My name is Hari," the butler snapped.

"Oh," I said, nodding understandingly. I paused. "Isn't that a girl's name?"

"It's a nickname," Hari exclaimed. "Now shut up so that I can think."

"I'm afraid I can't allow that."

"What, thinking?"

"Yep, that," I said, nodding. "Don't say anything, because that implies thinking. Just walk, and we'll follow you. Take us to your leader."

"And perhaps a warm bath if possible," Matsumoto added cheerfully from behind. "And, if you have it, a bottle of sake wouldn't be too bad either."

"I'm not taking you to my letter. Ugh, leader," the butler corrected himself, scowling. "You're messing up my head, so quit it or I might forget which direction he's in."

"I see. In that case, tell us now and we'll remind you if you forget," I said, nodding. "I'll make sure I remember it for you."

"Right. It goes, from this door: right, then left, up the stairs ahead of you, then the third door on the left, all right?" Hari said gratefully. As I stood there grinning at him, he started looking more and more sorry for himself until finally he bowed his head, utterly defeated.

"Now bring us dumplings," I ordered, pointing imperially towards the blackness on the other side of the door. He turned and left abruptly, shutting the door behind him.

"Do I rock, or do I rock?" I asked, turning triumphantly to Matsumoto. She grinned back just as enthusiastically.

"That was actually quite fun. You know, for a work of torture."

"You see why I do it now?" I asked.

"Yep. Are you really a delinquent?"

"Technicalities, trivial matters, difference between an executive officer and a sub-executive officer, such like that," I said dismissively. "Besides, I've been doing better since I started cheating off Ishida. I learned a lot of stuff."

"Like what?" Matsumoto asked, frowning.

"Did you know that he signs his name at the top of the paper with a little cross beneath it?" I asked, turning back to face her. "And that there's a stitch called 'fishhook?'"

"No," Matsumoto said thoughtfully. "Maybe it's worth it to cheat off him after all."

"I know, right?" I snorted. "Oh, well. I think I'd like some grapes while I wait for my dumplings."

"You can't, you ate them all ten minutes ago, remember?" Matsumoto reminded me.

"Oh, right."


	5. I Love Ishidakun

"Dear Jun, I have no idea why I like you, but I do. Perhaps your vulgar sense of humor and the sly manner in which you bear yourself-"

"No," Ichigo said immediately from across the table. Ishida looked up from the valentine he was writing. Trying to write a valentine for a girlfriend was tough – more so when you're the top kid at your school and your girlfriend is… well, not.

"Okay," Ishida sighed, crumpling up the paper and tossing it at the pile that had accumulated near the waste basket.

"How about, 'Roses are red, violets are blue, something, something, something, I sure do love you?'" Ichigo suggested.

"That poem is so cliché," Ishida said disapprovingly, raising a hand to push his glasses up his nose a bit more. "Maybe, 'if your heart were the Cardioid in my math test, then the area would be too large for me to count?'"

"Interesting," Ichigo said. Ishida brightened up. "If she were a geek," Ichigo added. Ishida frowned.

"Well, what would you write for Rukia?" He demanded.

"I would write, 'Here's your damned valentine and I also got you a box of chocolates because it was on the discount shelf, so please don't hit me anymore.' Short, meaningful, and to the point."

"That's not exactly romantic," Ishida objected.

"That's because we aren't a couple, but she'd kill me if I didn't get her something. Her favorite World of the Living holiday is Easter, though. Guess why?"

"Rabbits," Ishida said, nodding.

"Exactly," Ichigo said with a sigh.

"Out of curiosity, why are you asking Ichigo?" Renji asked from the doorway. "It's not like he has much better luck than you do."

"Ask Orihime," Rukia suggested from behind him.

"Ah! Rukia!" Ichigo exclaimed, falling over and slamming into the table.

"Nice," she snorted, crossing her arms.

"Oh yes, very smooth," Ishida said, pushing his glasses farther up his nose. "I'm sure she suspects nothing."

"Are you kidding? Ichigo's always up to something," Rukia said, sitting down. She looked around at the red heart-shaped pieces of paper and very slowly got up again.

"I'm going to leave you boys to it," she said, then giddily upped and left the room.

"Is she gone?" Ichigo asked, his voice muffled from beneath the table.

"Yes, she's gone," Ishida said. "How very rude."

"If she heard what I was going to put in her Valentine's Day card, I'm dead," Ichigo said as he straightened up and dusted himself off.

"Let me get this straight," Ishida began, leaning forward slightly. "If you don't get her anything, she'll kill you, but if you get her something… she'll kill you?"

Ichigo paused.

"I'm doomed," he said, hanging his head.

"If you get her a big enough chocolate heart, she'll get sick and go to bed early," Renji suggested.

"I only bought what was on the discount shelf. It was the biggest one there," Ichigo said indignantly. "Plus, I got a scrap of lace from Yuzu to glue onto the card."

"That's an idea," Renji said suddenly, turning to Ishida. "How about you sew her something? A pillow, maybe? That way, Jun won't complain about your pointy shoulder when she sleeps on you."

"That sounds really bad," Ichigo said, falling over with laughter.

"Gee, thank you, Abarai-kun," Ishida said sarcastically.

"No problem," Renji said dismissively.

"You haven't quite grasped the concept of sarcasm, have you, Abarai-kun?" Ishida asked wryly. "That is an interesting idea, however. I should get right to work on that. Should I sew a poem onto it?"

"Roses are red, violets are blue," Renji began. Ishida sighed.

"Not that one," he said. "You people are no help. I'll think of something on my own." Ishida got up and headed past Renji, down the hall.

A hand suddenly appeared and snatched him by the shirt, and he was pulled into a small room. He glanced down, his muscles tensing.

It was Rukia.

"Did Ichigo get me a chocolate bunny?" She asked, her eyes hopeful like a kid in a candy store.

"Wrong holiday," Ishida replied, breathing a sigh of relief. "He did get you chocolate, though."

"He's an idiot if he thinks some cheap card and a doubly cheap piece of chocolate will make me stop hitting him when he deserves it," Rukia said matter-of-factly.

"The card will have lace on it," Ishida offered helpfully.

"That gives it a two out of 10," Rukia said, frowning.

"What was it before?"

"Two out of 10," Rukia replied, as though it were obvious.

"I see," Ishida said. He paused. "What kind of thing do you think Jun would like?" He asked.

"You know her better than I do," Rukia said with a snort. "I'd say she's not a girly-girl, so something more tomboyish, you know, but that's basically all the advice I can give you."

"Right. So, we had the idea of sewing her a pillow, but what kind of pillow would she like?" Ishida asked curiously.

"Something made by you," Rukia said. "As long as it's made by you, she won't care. For instance, that dress you made her a few days back? You made it, so she wore it even though it looked really silly."

"But she told me she liked it!" Ishida exclaimed indignantly.

"She was lying. Girls do that to protect sensitive guys' feelings," Rukia said matter-of-factly. Ishida scowled.

"Anyway," Rukia continued. "I don't think she'll care too much, so you should be fine."

"Then I will sew her a pillow. Just wait," Ishida said firmly.

"It's a plan," Rukia agreed, giving him a thumbs-up before patting him on the shoulder comfortingly and heading out of the little room.

* * *

"Have you got that urn yet?" I asked, looking towards the gloomy-looking teenager.

"Do you really think this is going to get us out?" Yua asked. She didn't sound very confident.

"Yep," I said, nodding. "Simple. Phase 4 of Plan B; when Harry comes in next, knock him out with the urn and tie him up. We sneak out and use him instructions to get to the Hollow, kick his butt, and get out. Easy."

"Ahem," Natsumi began slowly. "Aren't we quite a bit underwater?"

"Makes you glad you're already in a swimsuit, huh?" I asked, grinning.

"It may be a little too far to swim," Yua said, frowning. I shrugged.

"Worth a try, right? Besides, all my plans have worked perfectly so far," I said. "Trust me."

"Note that she's on Plan B," Matsumoto added.

"Who's side are you on?" I demanded, whipping around. "It doesn't mean Plan A failed, it just means that I already got Plan A finished and now we're on the second stage.

"So it's the fourth stage of the second part of Plan A, then?" Yua commented.

"Yes," I said, nodding. "The fourth stage of the second part of Plan A, okay? It's an apple tree that has a lot of branches, okay?"

There were half-hearted attempts at agreeing.

"You guys make me sick. Are you a bunch of girls?" I exclaimed, going into drill-sergeant mode. "Get up, get that urn, and make that sick butler regret signing up for his job, you got it? Come on, let's do a cheer."

I took up a cheerleading pose.

"Bunch of girls? Ooh, burn; you know where to stick that urn! Bunch of girls? Ooh, burn; you know where to stick that urn! Bunch of girls? Ooh, burn; you know where to stick that urn!"

"Um… Jun," Matsumoto whispered. "We are girls, actually."

"Well, man up," I ordered. "Come on, join in. Bunch of girls? Ooh, burn; you know where to stick that urn! Bunch of girls? Ooh, burn; you know where to stick that urn!"

"Is she sane?" Natsumi whispered to Matsumoto, who shrugged. Apparently they doubted my ultimate escaping skills. Of course, no one joined in my cheer either.

"Fine," I said finally. "If you guys want to stay here and never see the light of day or a hot bath again, that's fine with me. They have terrible service, you know. I haven't even gotten my dumplings yet, and that was half an hour ago. Come on, girls! Don't you want to get back to your boyfriends?"

"I'm single," Yua said dismissively.

"My boyfriend's a slob," Yoshe added.

"Two-timer," added Reiki.

"Then dump them and get better ones," I said as though it were obvious. "_My_ boyfriend is awesome. He's smart, funny, and the top student at our school. He can sew anything, he's got this adorable little smile, and he loves to wear white. He's not afraid to voice his opinions, but he's always polite and takes other people's feeling into consideration.

"He's hard-working and knows just what to say when I'm feeling down to pull me right back up again. I love him to bits because of everything about him, good and bad. He's handsome and sweet, and he'd do anything for me. He'd never kiss another girl behind my back. He's honest, he's dependable, and he kills monsters for me.

"If I had to choose between Ishida and the most famous, rich, handsome person in the world, I would pick Ishida every time. He and I are perfect for each other, and I wish sometimes that I could put my arms around him and never let him go," I finished, raising my hand to drag across my wet cheek.

"Aww," Natsumi said, sniffling. She handed me a tissue. I thanked her and blew my nose. I hadn't realized it before, but I really, really did miss him. I had even started crying just talking about him! I could scold myself for being so sentimental, but the truth was I didn't care.

"Wow," Matsumoto murmured. "I didn't know you liked him so much."

I couldn't help it. I shot Matsumoto an 'are you stupid?' look.

"I wouldn't date him if I didn't like him," I said, brushing away the remainder of my tears. "I still remember the look on his face when I first got into this swimsuit. You know, for our first date, when I asked him to bring me to a movie, he said, 'Movies kill brain cells. How about dinner?'"

"I've never heard anything so sweet," Mitsu said, snuffling. "This is like those books I read whenever I'm upset."

"It's sickening," Yua said disapprovingly.

"It's so sad," Yoshe said, frowning. "I've never heard of anything like that before." She put a comforting hand on my shoulder. "Come on. We'll all escape together, right?"

"Bunch of girls? Ooh, burn; you know where to stick that urn," Nanami chanted, clapping her hands in rhythm. She was smiling. Yoshe joined her, smiling as well. Soon the whole little group was chanting with them.

"Bunch of girls? Ooh, burn; you know where to stick that urn. Bunch of girls? Ooh, burn; you know where to stick that urn. Bunch of girls? Ooh, burn; you know where to stick that urn."

"Thanks, guys," I said, smiling back. "I really appreciate it." I sobered up immediately and put my arms around their shoulders, bringing everyone in close.

"Okay. Here's the plan…"

* * *

Hari the butler headed down the hall towards the room on the end with a grimace on his face. Entering a roomful of those women – excuse me, just a room with _that_ woman – was dangerous for one's health. The sinking feeling that started at the beginning of the hall got quite heavy by the time he had reached the door.

He took a deep breath, staring at the doorknob. He had his orders, yes, but who could've thought that just bringing a tray of dumplings into a roomful of women could be so hard? He resented his master for that reason alone.

He had told his master about those savages, but that dumb animal had just dismissed it as a one-time thing or perhaps his imagination, when it was most definitely neither. He had developed a fear of women, having seen first-hand what they were capable of.

Sure, okay, so they were all attractive. However, it was really hard to notice something like that when the girl in question is calling him names and getting information from him so easily. She was like a weasel, just slipping into his mind, stealing what she needed, and leaving. She was _scary_, and _dangerous_. There was no way he'd enter that room, not after what had happened last time.

He turned the doorknob and entered the room, holding the tray of dumplings in front of him.

"I brought the-" he began. He had only just enough time for his eyes to widen as the woman right in front of him brought an urn down squarely on his head.

* * *

"Oh! My dumplings!" I exclaimed, catching the tray as the butler fell flat on his face, out cold. I popped one into my mouth.

"Good one, Yua," I said as Yua put the urn back down by the door. She was actually smiling slightly. "We don't have a lot of time," I added through a mouthful of dumpling. "I'm guessing the Hollow has been watching the entire time, so even though he doesn't know what we planned, after seeing this I'd guess he has a pretty good idea."

"Let's go, then," Nanami said eagerly, stepping over the butler on the floor.

"Do I get one?" Matsumoto asked mournfully, staring at my tray of dumplings. I snatched it away from her.

"My dumplings," I said, popping another one into my mouth. "Come on, let's go."

The girls all followed me as we headed out of the room and into the dimly lit hallway. I thought carefully to remember the instructions Harry had so kindly provided for us.

"'From this door: right, then left, up the stairs ahead of you, then the third door on the left,'" I recited. "So, that way. Makes sense, we'd probably end up right next to and on the second floor of that big room we were in, right?"

There were murmurs of agreement.

"First, do we have everybody?" I asked, looking around. "Nanami, Yoshe, Yua; Mitsu, Reiki, Natsumi, Matsumoto, and me. Okay, perfect. Come on, girls! Bunch of girls? Ooh, burn; we know where to stick that urn. Bunch of girls? Ooh, burn; we know where to stick that urn. Bunch of girls? Ooh, burn; we know where to stick that urn…"

* * *

"Where are you going?" Renji asked, sitting beside Ishida as he headed towards the door. Ishida glanced back at Ichigo.

"I'm heading to the beach for the day," he said.

"To wait for Jun?" Renji asked. Ishida looked off into the distance without replying.

"You know, she knows where the shop is. She'll come back as soon as she gets out, trust me," Renji said, putting a hand on Ishida's shoulder.

"I know," Ishida replied. "I'd just like to be there when she gets back."

"You're going to gather her in your arms, and press your lips against hers, and twirl her around while the gulls are crying and the waves crash against the shore…" Renji said dramatically, putting his hands to his heart. Ishida snorted.

"What are you reading, Renji?" He demanded. Renji scowled.

"Anyway, Jun doesn't like public displays of affection," Ishida said. Renji blinked.

"Really? She strikes me as more of… the opposite. I mean, I could totally see you guys in the middle of the mall, and she jumps you and-"

"Nope," Ishida interrupted, looking a bit haunted by his imagination's rendition of Renji's idea of Jun. "She doesn't do things like that. You know, she says 'not in public,' but what she really means is, 'I'll lead.'"

"Ho, ho, ho," Renji said, elbowing Ishida playfully in the side. Ishida grimaced.

"Not like that," Ishida said quickly. "I meant she decides when we kiss."

"Oh, come on," Renji said. "That's your job. She's your girl, right? So you should totally gather her up and lay one on her, even if she doesn't want you to."

"Now I know why she doesn't like you," Ishida said matter-of-factly.

"Are you kidding? She still calls me names ranging from 'Pineapple Head' to 'Biker Dude' and even 'that guy who resembles that red vegetable I don't like' once. I don't think she even knows my name."

"She does," Ishida assured him. "It's her choice not to use it around you."

"Yeah, well, she's fickle," Renji said, shrugging. "Not my problem."

"Yeah, It's mine," Ishida said wryly as he slid on his shoes and headed outside. "But I like her anyway."

* * *

"Third door on the left," I said, pointing down the short hallway. It was pretty easy to spot – it had a sign that said 'Observation Room' on it. With the girls behind me, I headed down the hall and stopped in front of the door.

I glanced back at Matsumoto, who nodded reassuringly. I raised a hand and rapped a quick 'dun-dundundundun-DUN-DUN' on the door. There was no reply.

"Move over," Matsumoto whispered. I obligingly stepped to the side.

"Hado 31; Shakkaho!"

There was a burst of smoke and red light accompanied by a loud explosion as the door was burst off its hinges.

"What's the point of whispering?" I exclaimed.

"If we're sneaking around, we have to whisper. It's kind of a rule," Matsumoto said indignantly. I stuck my head into the room. I looked around from corner to corner, but I couldn't see any Hollow, let alone one with eight arms.

"Nothing," I said, turning back to the group. Nanami suddenly shrieked, pointing behind me. Ready for this, I immediately focused my Spiritual Pressure around myself.

The huge tentacle wrapped around me and squeezed. I felt nothing, of course, and instead rammed both fists down hard on the gray-green flesh.

The Hollow shrieked in pain and let go, and I whipped around to face him.

Well, that would be why I hadn't seen him before. He was using six legs to attach himself to the ceiling because, as everyone knows, no one ever looks up.

Both free arms headed towards me.

"Hado 31; Shakkaho!" Matsumoto exclaimed, holding her hands out in front of me. There was another burst of red light and the Hollow let go of the ceiling quickly, so that the fire hurtled by and hit the ceiling where he had been only moments before. Burnt plaster rained down on the small group of young women.

"I had him," I exclaimed, whirling on Matsumoto.

"Go ahead," she said, pointing past me. I growled as I raced into the room towards the Hollow.

Looking at the faces of the other girls, it became increasingly clear that they had no idea what was going on. Matsumoto and I had, of course, mentioned what Hollows were and that they couldn't see them, but I imagined it was still strange to see things moving on their own.

The Hollow's arm reached straight for me, but I was able to dodge it moderately easily. Two more came after that, and wound around my waist together. The arms tightened around me, but I couldn't feel the added pressure through the material I had constructed from my Spiritual Energy.

"Matsumoto!" I exclaimed. "Aim for his eyes!"

"Hado 33; Sokatsui!" Matsumoto said, holding her arms out. This time blue light filled the room, but the Hollow released me and dodged the Kido before it hit him.

"Foolish humans," he growled, reaching. I dodged, but then I realized he hadn't been reaching for me. The tentacle darted past me and wrapped around Yua, who stood near the door. She shrieked as she was lifted into the air.

I tore off the layer of translucent plastic-like covering around me and tossed it towards the Hollow. The material formed two me-shaped figures that leapt towards the creature. He swept them aside using extra arms.

"Matsumoto, do you have anything more powerful?" I exclaimed.

"I can't do much in my gigai," Matsumoto called back. She suddenly froze, her face lighting up as an idea came to mind. She looked towards the Hollow.

"Bakudo 1; Sai," she said. Immediately, two of his arms tied together and snapped behind him. The Hollow roared, trying to shake loose Matsumoto's Kido.

"Perfect!" I called. "Again!"

"Bakudo 1; Sai!"

Two more arms were caught. Now there was only the arm holding Yua and three others. Matsumoto quickly got two more of the flailing tentacles, and then only one plus the one holding Yua remained.

"All right, here's my chance," I murmured. One of my clones immediately occupied the free arm, and the other clone headed for his head.

"Stop, or I crush her!" The Hollow rumbled, his tentacle tightening around Yua. Yua gasped for breath. I watched him slowly for any opening, but I was moderately sure I couldn't kill him in one blow, and if I attacked, he would crush Yua.

"Matsumoto," I whispered, taking a step back towards her. "I'll distract him. You get around behind him and hit him with the biggest attack you can."

Matsumoto nodded and I faced the Hollow, taking a deep breath.

We had one chance. If we failed, Yua would die.


	6. The Great PLN

"Hey, did you know the plural for octopus is octopi, like cactus and cacti?" I said conversationally as I slid a step towards the Hollow. He looked at me as if I were crazy. "But with something like squid, it's more like fish, see? One squid, two squid, one fish, two fish," I added.

"Squids," the Hollow replied. I cocked my head.

"Is it? I thought it was two squid."

"The plural of submarine is submarines."

"Yeah, but a submarine isn't a living creature," I pointed out.

"Neither are cacti," the Hollow replied. I pouted.

"Cacti are alive," I said. "Cacti are from the kingdom Plantae, which consists of plants and stuff. That and Animalia are the only ones I remember, because they sound like the actual kinds of things in the kingdom. I remember Monera because it sounds like 'money,' but I don't remember what class that one is."

"Monera is bacteria, Protista is microscopic organisms, Fungi is fungi, Plantae is plants and Animalia is animals," the Hollow said thoughtfully. I glanced over his shoulder.

"You know, my boyfriend will be so proud of me when I tell him that I was able to carry on a scientific conversation long enough to distract an enemy," I said smugly.

"Wha—" the Hollow began.

"Hado 33; Sokatsui," exclaimed Matsumoto from behind him. The Hollow had just enough time to widen his eyes before he was hit full-force with Matsumoto's Kido. I closed my eyes because I really didn't want to see what happened to him after being hit point blank range with something like that. I heard Yua's short exclamation as she dropped a couple feet to the ground.

I rushed forward and yanked Yua out of the way as the tentacle holding her dropped to the ground. I made a face as the tentacle dissolved into nothingness, and then Matsumoto joined me by the door.

"I'm impressed," she said. "I didn't know you knew that much science."

"I don't," I replied. "But everything I know I learned from my boyfriend."

"Ah," Matsumoto replied, nodding. "That would definitely explain it." I grinned, looking down at Yua.

"You okay?" I asked. Yua nodded as she got to her feet, and I helped pull her up. I looked around at the other women.

"We'd better get a move on," I said. "Does anyone know where the entrance is?"

"Even if we found it, it'd be underwater. I don't know if we could make it all the way to the surface," Nanami said, frowning. "It'd be difficult, for sure, but I don't think I can hold my breath that long, and we're pretty deep to begin with."

"All right, I'll just cover you all in loose clones with air pockets inside, and you'll float to the surface," I said dismissively.

"But can't you only cover one person at a time?" Matsumoto demanded.

"I'm sure I could do eight loose bubbles," I said, nodding.

"That's quite a bit of a stretch," Matsumoto said hesitantly.

"It'll be fine," I assured her. "However, we've got to find the exit before we can decide how to get to the surface. This is Phase 5."

"If you say so," Matsumoto said with a sigh. I nodded.

"It'll be easy. Now come on, we've got to go find it fast, before Puce comes around," I said.

"Puce?" Matsumoto asked, frowning.

"Nothing," I said dismissively. I headed back down the way we'd come, the other girls following, as I headed towards where I remember waking up, which was the closest thing to the exit I could remember.

* * *

Ishida's gaze travelled across the ocean. He sighed.

He kept walking. He had begun at one end of the beach, about where Jun had disappeared, and had walked back and forth across the length of beach for fifteen minutes now. There was still no sign of Jun. He sighed again, stopping and standing still.

There was some sort of movement in the water. _Is__it__a__seal?_ Ishida wondered. _Or__a__boat?_ He squinted at the horizon.

It was a bubble. The bubble burst and there was a splash, and next thing Ishida knew, a dark-haired girl in a small black bathing suit was crawling onto the beach from nowhere.

"That Jun," she muttered. Ishida immediately raced over to her.

"Did you say Jun?" He demanded. The girl looked up.

"Are you her boyfriend, Uryu?" She asked. "The half laundry detergent, half seamstress, and half Quincy boy, right?"

"That sounds like Jun," Ishida said excitedly. "Crude, rude, and terrible at fractions." His eyes scanned the horizon. "Where is she?"

"She's right behind the other girls," the girl said, jerking a thumb behind her. "She's putting these weird shield things on everyone so that they can breathe before they reach the surface."

"But that's too much for her," Ishida said, frowning.

"Hey, you are pretty cute," the girl said approvingly as Ishida waded into the water as two more bubbles appeared. The two women inside swam to shore, and climbed onto the beach past Ishida. Several more came, followed by Matsumoto.

"Rangiku-san," Ishida asked, stopping her.

"Ishida!" She exclaimed. "How nice to see you again!"

"Yes, yes," Ishida said hurriedly. "Where's Jun?"

"She should be right behind me," Matsumoto said. Ishida took off his glasses and pushed them into Matsumoto's hands, then fought his way further and dove into the water.

* * *

Water was pouring into the small space, and I didn't have much time. I had just sent the last person up, Matsumoto, but I had barely any strength left, and certainly not enough Spiritual Energy to put a bubble around myself. I took a deep breath and jumped out of the hole into the cold blue water, with no source of air until I reached the top.

The pressure was enormous, but luckily humans float. I half-heartedly paddled as I felt myself soaring upwards towards the surface. I was still a good way from the top, but my air was already running out. I gave a few more kicks and pulls, but there was too much water. My ears popped.

Then I felt arms around me. I looked up, opening my eyes (which I immediately regretted, it being saltwater and all) and seeing an angel.

Okay, so it was actually Ishida wearing white, but I swear he looked just like an angel. His arms tightened around me, and then he was pulling me up, and moments later we had reached the surface.

I took a deep breath, gulping air into my burning lungs. Ishida tugged me towards shore, the waves battering us on all sides. I was weakening quickly after using up all my Spiritual Energy.

"Come on, Jun-chan, we're almost there," Ishida murmured. I nodded against him, my eyes slowly closing. He shook me, and I had a strong feeling of déjà vu. I knew this had happened at least twice before.

"Not again," I said firmly, forcing my eyes open. I used what little energy I had left to butterfly-kick my way to shore alongside Ishida, and luckily he and Matsumoto were both there to help pull me onto the sand. I lay there, my eyes shut, breathing deeply, feeling the amazing warmth of the sun on my body.

"Hey, Jun," Matsumoto said, her shadow falling above me. I felt Ishida nearby and knew what was coming next.

I caught his hand as he began to slap my cheek.

"I'm awake, Uryu," I murmured. "I just want to take a little rest, that's all. Move over, Matsumoto, your cleavage is blocking my sunlight."

Matsumoto moved slightly and Ishida leaned back, smiling down at me.

"You're okay," he said, relieved.

"You don't look too bad yourself," I wheezed. "A sight for sore eyes, indeed. Are the other women safe, too?"

Ishida looked up. He nodded.

"Yes, they're all here," he said. "You did great. No tuna fish needed, and you didn't eat Rangiku-san, either."

"What?" Matsumoto demanded. I gave a weak chuckle.

"So I guess we'd better head back to the shop, huh? Toshiro missed his favorite busty lieutenant," I murmured. I paused thoughtfully. "Everyone's favorite busty lieutenant," I corrected myself.

"As soon as you can walk," Ishida assured me. I grinned.

"Carry me," I said dramatically, flinging my arm over his shoulder. "Otherwise we'll be here all day." Ishida scowled.

"You know, you just got back and already you're bossing me around," he said disapprovingly. I grinned.

"Did you expect anything different?" I asked. Ishida helped me sit up, my arm slung across his shoulders. He just sort of stared for a moment, and then he leaned forward.

I didn't feel the need to object as our lips met. Matsumoto began snorting in her attempt to hide laughter, but I didn't care. Here, in my boyfriend's arms, on a beach in the sun in a little bikini, surrounded by friends… this was the place to be, no doubt about it.

~ Valentine's Day ~

"Here," Ishida said proudly, handing me a box. I grinned.

"Aww, you got me something," I said excitedly.

"I made it," Ishida said.

"Even better," I said, although I had a sort of sinking feeling. I unwrapped the box excitedly and pulled out – a pillow.

"Oh, thanks!" I said, looking it over. "I love it! A new pillow was a great idea."

"We all sort of came up with it," Ishida said.

"What's this?" I asked, lifting an extra fabric flap on the pillow. It didn't seem to serve a function, so I had no idea what it was. Wait a minute… could it be…?

"A cape," Ishida said proudly. It took all my power to bite back a laugh and instead nodded, counting to ten to make sure I didn't accidentally burst out laughing.

"It looks great," I said affably, putting the pillow back in its box. "I'll use it every night."

"Come on, everyone, let's take a group picture!" Orihime exclaimed excitedly, holding up a camera. Everyone agreed and they all scooted together.

"Urahara-san, will you take a picture?" Orihime asked, handing the camera to Urahara. He grinned.

"Of course, of course," he said, kneeling down. Orihime sat by Sado and they all smiled, striking poses. "Say 'Hollow'!" Urahara said.

"Hollow!" We all screamed as the camera flashed.

And we made memories.

~ The End ~


End file.
